
His Uncle's Niece 



Price, 35 Cents 




WALTER H. BAKER COMPANY 

BOSTON 



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BAKER, Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. 



8? *p^*f.*p.*p*p*p*f-* i ?*i*w- ****** ***** * 



His Uncle's Niece 

A Rollicking Farce in Three Acts 



By 

RAYMOND W. SARGENT 

NOTE 

The acting rights in this play are fully protected. Performances 
may be given by amateurs without special permission, provided 
the name of the author appears on all programs or other adver- 
tising matter issued in connection with the production. The 
professional stage rights are strictly reserved, and performances 
by professional actors given in advertised places of amusement 
and for profit, are forbidden. Persons who may wish to produce 
this play publicly and professionally should address all com- 
munications to the publishers, Walter H. Baker Company, 
Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. 




tfoo.TONftr 



WALTER H. BAKER COMPANY 

Publishers of Things Theatrical 

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS 

102 2 



7* 



^* 



l/i*** 



FEB -4 1922 , 

©CI.D 5 9846 



His Uncle's Niece 



CHARACTERS 

{In order of appearance) 

Richard Tate, Esq., a rising young lawyer. 

Francis Felton, the cause of all the trouble. 

Dora Hale, very much attached to the "Cause." 

Alice Malcolm, a close chum of Dora's. 

Mrs. Sarah Ann Mullen, a woman of few words ; from Happy 

Valley. 
Simon F. Felton, Frank' s uncle, who never makes a mistake. 
Philander Filmore, "humble but wise." 
Timothy Haye, gardener at Happy Valley Junction. 
Silas Sickelmoore, the constable at Happy Valley. 

SCENES 

Act I. Interior of Francis Felton' s and Richard Tate's 
bachelor establishment at Boston. 

Act II. Same as Act I. Afternoon of the same day. 

Act III. Exterior of Uncle Simon's newly acquired summer 
home at Happy Valley Junction. Evening ; three days later. 

Time : Midsummer. 

Time of Playing : Approximately two hours. 




Copyright, 1922, by Raymond W. Sargent 
All rights reserved 



stags ssriu QQT 




ACTS I k H 



HEDGE EXIT 




LAHDSCAPB PROP 



TABLB BENCH 



ACT III. 



LIST OF PROPERTIES 

Stage Properties for Act I. 

Table, chair and waste basket, down l. Easy chair 
and coffee-pot, down r. Desk and chair, up r. Hat- 
rack, up c, left of door. Law books, writing material, 
magazines, knife, smoking utensils, necktie and collar, on 
table l. Towel on back of chair, l. Trousers hanging 
on hat-rack. Razor, alarm clock and hat, on desk. Socks 
on chair, r. Speaking tube near center door. 

Stage Properties for Act II. 
Same as at close of Act I. 

Stage Properties for Act III. 

Rustic pergola, down l., containing table and bench. 
Settle, down r. Dog kennel, up r. Broom leaning 
against pergola. Step-ladder, c. Japanese lanterns, 
strung across stage. 



Personal Properties for Act I. 

Three letters and coins, for Dick. 

Parasol ; hand-bag containing money, for Mrs. Mullen. 

Florist box, containing roses, with tag, for Frank. 

Personal Properties for Act II. 

Ring for Alice. 

Box of candy for Philander. 

Parasol and hand-bag containing letter, for Mrs. Mullen. 

Personal Properties for Act III. 

Knife and billy, for Silas. 

Pipe, containing tobacco, and matches for Frank. 

Note and book resembling Bible, for Dick. 

Lighted lantern for Mrs. Mullen. 

Note for Frank, 

3 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Dick. Age, twenty-five. Smooth face in Acts I and 
II. Plain business suit. Act III. Same suit and straw- 
hat. To represent parson, a black soft hat, a Prince 
Albert coat ; side whiskers on wire, and gray wig. 

Frank. Age, twenty-three. Smooth face in Act I. 
Face lathered, bath robe with no vision of trousers be- 
neath. His next is a young man's business suit, and his 
feminine costume should consist of young lady's stylish 
gown, with stockings and shoes to match ; and if Frank is 
dark, a lady's blond wig or vice versa. This costume to 
do for all three acts with the addition of cap and apron 
for Act III. 

Uncle. Age, about sixty-five. Wears spectacles, gray 
hair and short chin whiskers. Acts I and II. Light 
summer suit of any shade, dark preferred. Panama hat 
in Act I. Act III, Palm Beach suit, or white flannel 
trousers, and dark coat. No hat. 

Owing to the reflection of light, it would be advisable 
for Uncle to wear only the rims of the spectacles without 
the glass. 

Philander. About fifty-five. Quite tall if possible; 
with bald head ; hair turning slightly gray ; dark mustache 
with drooping ends. Acts I and II. Dark suit. Wears 
rather small derby hat, and flower in buttonhole during 
Act I. Act III. Same suit with long linen duster and 
no hat, until just previous to his last exit, when he wears 
large soft straw hat. 

Barrel costume: Large sugar barrel equipped with 
ropes like suspenders. His trousers are rolled up far 
enough to be hidden by bottom of barrel, exposing hose 
and garters ; he is minus hat, coat, vest, collar and tie. If 
the producers see fit they may omit his outer shirt. 

Silas. About fifty. Smooth face, hair slightly gray 
at temples. Soft hat, gray checkered trousers, baggy at 
knees, and blue gingham shirt, dark vest with badge. No 
coat. Carries billy. Avoid shiny shoes. 

% 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 5 

Mrs. Mullen. About fifty. Acts I and II. Neat 
looking suit and hat, but not of the present style ; carries 
hand-bag. Do not make her clothes old fashioned, but 
portray her as she really is, a country lady of moderate 
means. Avoid burlesquing. Act III. Calico wrapper, 
bare headed and carries apron under arm at first entrance, 
which she dons for the remainder of act. 

Timothy. About forty. Smooth face, blue checkered 
overalls (not new), and khaki shirt, open at neck, large 
straw hat, no coat or vest. Avoid shiny shoes. 

Dora. About twenty. Slightly taller than Alice, as 
near Philander's height as possible. Acts I and II. Stylish 
traveling suit and hat. Act III. Light afternoon dress 
or shirt waist and sport skirt, as preferred. No hat. 
Last entrance : Large straw hat, long linen duster, collar 
and tie, dark trousers showing beneath linen duster. 
Philander's or duplicates. Dark drooping mustache, like 
Philander's. 

Alice. About twenty. Acts I and II. Stylish travel- 
ing suit dress or shirt waist and skirt; but make it differ 
from Dora's. No hat in Act III. 



NOTE TO THE PRODUCER 

The exits marked R. c. and l. c. in the third act indicate 
right and left of center opening in hedge. The R. and l. 
designating the direction from the center opening. 

Near the close of Act III when Philander enters in a 
barrel, it would be advisable to use a large sugar barrel 
so that he may be able to duck inside when Silas hits at 
him; where he stays until very near the close, when he 
pops his head out again. The barrel should be supplied 
with ropes, like suspenders. 

The only masculine attire necessary for Dora to wear 
in the third act, consists of the trousers which are to 
show a little below the long linen duster; the collar and 
tie, the hat and the mustache. 

Mrs. Mullen carries a lighted lantern when she first 
enters in Act III. 



His Uncle's Niece 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Interior of Francis Felton's and Richard 
Tate's bachelor apartment, and office combined, at 
Boston. Exits c, r. and l. Table down l., also chair 
and waste basket. Hat-rack l. of c, desk and chair R. 
of c, back. Rocking chair down r., law books, writing 
material, magazine, knife and smoking utensils, l. on 
table. Towel on back of chair l. Trousers hanging 
on hat-rack, coffee-pot on floor r. Alarm clock, razor 
and hat on desk, socks on chair r., necktie and collar on 
table l. Speaking tube near door c. Aside from this, 
everything is much cluttered with men's belongings, 
etc., signifying that they are their own housekeepers. 

{Curtain discovers Richard Tate in chair at table l. 
absorbed in law book.) 

Francis (off stage, r.). Dick! I say, Dick! (Dick 
absorbed in book.) Oh, Dick! (Enters r. in bath robe 
and lather on face.) Seen my razor, old man? (Dick 
still busy with book. Frank crossing to Dick.) Well! 

Dick (looking up). Hello, old top; awakened from 
your beauty sleep at last, but why this exhibition of mad 
dog all over your beautiful phiz ? 

Frank. As you are probably aware, we scions of 
Adam generally remove this camouflage with an imple- 
ment called a razor, do you hear, a razor. Now, where 
is it? 

Dick. Calm yourself, little shaver, and I will do my 
best to locate said instrument of torture. Methinks if 



8 his uncle's niece 

old soap suds should gaze upon yonder desk his wrath 
would turn to 

Frank (discovering razor). Thunder and lightning ! 

Dick. Undoubtedly. 

Frank. Ye Gods and little fishes, what have you been 
doing with this razor? 

Dick. Tush, tush, old scout. Don't get refractory. I 
haven't used it to sharpen a pencil or rip out bastings, as 
would be the case if you had a gentle loving wife. I only 
borrowed it to open a can of sardines last night. 

Frank. Holy mackerel ! 

Dick. No, sardines! Or more correctly speaking, 
squeezed and squashed baby herring, who gave up their 
young lives on the coast of Maine to enable such as me to 
make a royal meal at home, while you were forced to 
partake of humble fare at that banquet you were obliged 
to attend last evening, or was it this morning? It can't 
be many hours since you homeward plodded your weary 
way. 

Frank. Do you expect me to shave with this hack 
saw? 

Dick. I expect nothing, but you are at liberty to try. 
I'll admit that I had a difficult time with it on the sardines. 
I should say it needed a little sharpening. 

Frank (at door R.). Umph! Oh Dick! What are 
we going to do for breakfast ? 

Dick. Breakfast? You don't mean to insinuate that 
you are to eat again to-day? 

Frank. I won't say we will, but I am wondering 
where we will scrape up the necessary mazuma to supply 
our ample appetite. 

Dick. In other words, how will we keep the wolf out 
of the hallway? Well, there is thirty-nine cents, and 
three letters ; all for you. I mean the letters are all for 
you. (Hands Frank letters. Frank opens first two 
and throws them on floor; opens third. Whistles.) 
The usual butcher, baker and electric light bill? 

Frank. Worse! Oh, this is the last straw. I'm a 
doomed man. Read it. (Hands Dick letter.) 

Dick (rising and reading letter). " Feltonville, N. Y., 



His uncle's niece 9 

July 18. Dear Frances; As you are undoubtedly aware 
that the date of your wedding is only a few days off, I 
am leaving to-morrow for Boston. Your intended hus- 
band " Husband! Say, what are you running, a 

matrimonial bureau, or a 

Frank. Read on, I'll explain later. 

Dick {reading). "Your intended husband will ac- 
company me to make all preparations for the event. We 
will arrive at your residence at ten-thirty Tuesday morn- 
ing. I hope you have grown into a beautiful rosebud of 
a girl, as I would very much like to see this a happy 
marriage. Yours affectionately, Uncle Simon." A 
beautiful rosebud of a girl ! Intended husband ! Who's 
daffy now? You're not a doomed man, you're a dejected 
maiden. 

Frank. Allow me to explain. Before I was born, my 
Uncle Simon told my parents that if I were a girl I was 
to be his heir; that is if he should cease to tread this 
peaceful earth before I became twenty-three years of age, 
but if at that date he should still be alive I was to receive 
an endowment of one million, on 

Dick. Did you say one million? Um, thirty-nine 
cents. 

Frank. As I was saying I was to receive this endow- 
ment on condition that I marry the man of his choice, 
one Philander Fillmore. If I refuse, I receive nothing. 

Dick. But you're — you, aren't you; that is you're a 
man, for a beard upon a woman's chin will never grow. 

Frank. Yes, very true, I'm myself but my parents up 
to the time of their death always gave my uncle to under- 
stand that I was one of those fair creatures that we men 
rave about, presuming, I suppose, that Uncle would be 
pounding his harp before I became twenty-three. Of 
course I have carried the farce along and here we are. 

Dick. But has he never seen you ? 

Frank. No : Uncle was a man who never traveled to 
any extent, and living in the country with more than 
ample means, he did not care to visit us in the city where 
we lived in cramped quarters. You see the name 
Francis was given me for the sole purpose of deceiving 



10 HIS UNCLe's NIECE 

Uncle Simon. You will also note that the letter is di- 
rected to Frances Felton; not Miss Frances. Some 
years back I requested him to omit the " Miss " as it 
caused trouble by becoming mixed with the mail belong- 
ing to the young lady next door, who was also a Miss 
Frances. So thereafter Uncle omitted the title of 
" Miss " on his letters to me. 

Dick. Well, what are you going to do ? 

Frank. Why, I'll have to throw up the sponge; that 
is all I know. 

Dick. Thirty-nine cents! One million! Throw up 
the sponge, nothing! Carry the scheme out; think of 
that million. 

Frank. But how can I, when he is coming here with 
my — my devoted hubby to be, and the wedding must take 
place Friday. 

Dick. Oh! I realize it looks utterly impossible but 
why not keep the thing going as long as possible? 

Frank. But I can't marry Philander. I wouldn't 
marry him even if he were a woman ! There's Dora, you 
know. 

Dick. Oh ! I know you adore her. By the way, she 
and Alice are going to call on us this forenoon before 
going to the country. 

Frank. When am I to expect my uncle and dear 
beloved Philander to arrive ? 

Dick (consulting letter). " Ten-thirty Tuesday morn- 
ing." Tuesday ? Great Scott, to-day is Tuesday. 

Frank. Oh, what shall I do? When can I get a 
train ? 

Dick. Train ! What on ; my thirty-nine cents ? 

Frank (walking floor). Oh, Uncle! Uncle! Oh, 
you million!!! Oh, Dora! Dora! Oh, Philander!!! 
Why was I ever born to be a girl to inherit a million, and 
find myself a man in love with a girl like Dora. 

Dick. Say, put Dora on the shelf for a while, and I'll 
give vou something to work on. 

Frank. What? 

Dick. Well, I've thought this over and have come to 
the conclusion that we need that million ! 



his uncle's NIECE II 

Frank. We need that million ! We, eh ? 

Dick. Now look here, who is going to furnish the 
brains for this scheme? I am, of course, it being my 
scheme ; and if you don't like it you can think of some- 
thing yourself. 

Frank. Shoot. 

Dick. The first thing you must do is to give me abso- 
lute control of this matter and do just as I instruct. 

Frank (sitting r.). I am ready to hear your pet 
scheme, but be quick; time is precious. 

Dick. You are to disguise yourself as a girl. 

Frank. A girl ! Holy mackerel ! No ! 

Dick. As a girl, you are to accept this Philander per- 
son, and — and 

Frank. And — and — what then? 

Dick. That is all at present, but you are to follow 
my advice from now on and if the scheme is a success 
and you acquire the million, I am to become your lawyer 
at a salary, say, of one hundred dollars a week for the 
rest of my life, and 

Frank (rising). Hold on, this is getting consider- 
ably one sided, and I am not over anxious to throw Dora 
over. I would not give her up for all the millions there 
are, so don't count your one hundred every week so soon. 

Dick (meditating). Well, suppose I say that if you 
follow my instructions, I will guarantee that you will 
come into the million and also marry Dora. If she is 
willing. 

Frank. Oh, she is willing; she has said so, but we 
have to have more than 

Dick. Thirty-nine cents. 

Frank. Exactly 

Dick. Well, will you agree to these conditions and 
pay me the one hundred if I do what I claim? 

Frank. Yes, — but it can't be done 

Dick. Without a make-up, and I'm off now to pro- 
cure a complete costume for you. As soon as I have the 
time I will draw up a legal document for you to sign. 
Hurry now and finish shaving. We have no time to 
lose. (Starts up c.) 



12 HIS UNCLE'S NIECE 

Frank. Where, how, with what are you going to pay 
for the costume? 

Dick. Oh, that is easy ; Til charge it to you and you 
can draw on dear Unk when he arrives. [Exit Dick, c. 

Frank (rushing to door). Dick, try the thirty-nine 
cents. (Coming down stage.) Well, he may have an 
idea of what he is about, but blamed if I can see my way 
clear of this tangle. If I only had a little money now, I 
could do something, but what's the use of wishing for the 
moon ? I haven't had a short story accepted for months. 
There is no use talking, I was never born to be an author. 
No, of course not ; I was born to be a girl. Well, I must 
get down to business if I am going to put myself in Dick's 
charge. Let me see, he said to shave and be quick about 
it. (Starting r., with razor. Bell rings.) Hang it, who 
do you suppose that is? (Goes to speaking tube.) Yes ! 
— Oh, yes, this is Mr. Felton speaking — What ? Oh, that 
you, Dora ? Surely, come right up. No ! That is — 
wouldn't you like to go across the street and see the 
animals in the park? (To audience.) What am I say- 
ing? (In tube.) What's that? — Oh, I beg your pardon. 
Yes, come right up. — No, don't! I say, are you there? 
Hello. (To audience.) Gone! By George! And on 
the way up, I suppose; I can't let those girls see me in 
this attire, but I must get them out of the house before 
Uncle arrives with my dear Philander. 

Alice (outside). Not that door. [Frank exits r. 

(Enter c, Dora and Alice, with expectations of greet- 
ing Frank.) 

, Dora. Why, how strange, Alice. I wonder where 
they are? 

Alice. Oh, they are undoubtedly hiding, thinking to 
play a joke on us. We'll just make ourselves at home 
and they will soon come to their senses. 

Dora. Do you really think it is perfectly all right to 
come here? You know; alone. 

Alice. Oh, yes ; on business ? 

Frank (head in door r,). Pardon me, girls, but will 



HIS UNCLES NIECE 1 3 

you please excuse me for not entertaining just at present? 
you see I'm — I'm 

Dora. You're not sick? 

Alice. Of course not. 

Frank. Yes, I'm quite sick. Dick has gone for a 
doctor. 

Alice. Oh, I'm sorry. 

Dora. Isn't there something we can do for you? 

Frank. No, thanks; you see, I'm entirely in Dick's 
charge and must do only what he thinks best. Excuse 
me, please. [Exit Frank, r. 

Dora. How strangely he acts. 

Alice. I wonder if it's his head that is bothering him. 

(They go to window up L. and look out.) 

Frank {head in door R., aside). I wish they would go 
out for a walk. 

Dora (to Alice). Don't you think we should do 
something for him? 

Frank. Dick thought it might be smallpox. 

Dora (running toward Frank, calling). Oh, Frank! 
Frank ! 

(Frank quickly closes door.) 

Alice (holding her back). Be sensible, dear. Don't 
rush into anything wildly. 

Dora. But if it should be smallpox? 

Alice. That is only a notion of Dick's and I think the 
wisest policy for us is to go out for a short walk and re- 
turn after Dick has had time to get the doctor. I think 
Frank would rather sanction that idea. 

Dora. Now that you mention it I think he did suggest 
something like that. (They start toward door c.) 

(Dick enters c. with lady's costume on his arm.) 

Dick. Well ! Well ! Speaking of angels and here I 

find 

Dora. Where's the doctor ? 



14 HIS UNCLE S NIECE 

Dick. Doctor ? 

Alice. Yes, the doctor! Frank said you had gone 
for the doctor. 

Dick. Oh, yes, the doctor. You see, I had quite for- 
gotten about that; I couldn't get him. 

Dora. Couldn't get him? 

Alice. Is there only one doctor in this city ? 

Dick. You see, this lady would only have this one 
special doctor. 

Alice. ) T , , 

Dora. } Lad y ! 

Dick. Yes, the lady, the lady ; the sick lady. 

Alice. And I suppose these are her clothes you have 
on your arm. 

Dora (running to door R.). Oh, Frank! Frank! 
(Beating on door, which is locked.) Let me in. I want 
to come in there ; open this door. 

Frank (off r.). No, Dora, you must not. I can't let 
you in here. It may be smallpox, you know. 

Dick. Yes, we think the lady may have a severe case 
of smallpox and we burned her clothes, so I was obliged 
to purchase some new ones to enable her to be removed 
when the doctor arrives with the ambulance. 

Dora. What ! Do you mean to tell me that she is in 
there? In there with Frank, and you have burned all 
her clothes. Oh ! ( Throws herself in chair. ) 

Alice. I am sorry we came, but glad we have found 
you out. 

Dick. My dear girl 

Alice. Don't " dear " me. 

Dick. My poor girl, then, allow me to explain. The 
lady we refer to is a very poor, blind lady, who is also 
deaf. Has only one leg, and will be ninety-eight her 
next birthday, and is the mother of fourteen grown-up 
darky boys. She takes in washing, and naturally has 
many outstanding bills that she cannot collect. So, be- 
ing one of my clients, she appealed to me for help and 
here she is. 

Alice. But why here in your room? 

Dora. Yes, please explain that. 



his uncle's niece 15 

Dick. Why, she came to wash the floor this morning, 
and 

Alice. Wash the floor, with one leg ? 

Dick. Oh, yes ; she washes with her hands. And as I 
was saying, she came to wash the windows and was taken 
sick, and — eh — and we are doing our best to have her 
removed to the hospital without being quarantined our- 
selves. 

Dora. But why does not Frank come out ? 

Dick. Dora, you see, he can't come out here until he 
has been fumigated. 

Alice. Will they fumigate soon ? 

Dick. Oh, yes. 

Dora. How soon? 

Dick. In a few minutes. {Jumps.) What was that? 
Did you hear that bell? 

Dora. No. 

Alice. I'm sure I didn't. 

Dick {goes to the tube). Hello, yes, is that you, 
doctor ? You say you have the f umigaters and the board 
of health with you. — Good — What ? — Oh, yes — and three 
police officers and the ambulance are outside. All right ; 
thank you. 

Dor?' } What sha11 we do? 

Dick {going to door l.). Quick! In here, and don't 
you dare come out until I open the door. 

Dora. It won't hurt to peek just a little, will it? 

Dick. Yes. There will be an officer stationed right 
in this room and if he should see you, you would be com- 
pelled to stay here for weeks. Quick! I hear them 
coming. {Exeunt Dora and Alice l. Dick closes door. 
Heaves a sigh. Stamps about room speaking rather 
loudly all the time during the following scene.) How 
do you do, doctor? Right this way, gentlemen. So 
glad you came. Take a chair, officer. 

{Thumps chair on floor L., and hangs towel on door- 
knob l., stamping all the time.) 

Frank {head in door r.). Dick, give me those 



T 6 his uncle's niece 

trousers, quick. (Dick passes trousers arid woman's 
costume to Frank.) I can't put this dress on now. 

Dick {still stamping). You must. 

Frank. No, later, after they're gone. 

( Frank disappears. ) 

Dick. Well, doctor, what do you think — ah, — I'm so 
glad. — {Goes to door r. Aside to Frank.) Hurry! 
{Goes c, opening and shutting door four or five times, 
saying, "Good-bye" each time. Down c) All right, 
girls, the coast is clear. 

(Alice and Dora enter L., looking cautiously about.) 

Alice {rapidly). Oh, my, have they all gone? Is 
the house quarantined ? Do we have to stay here ? 

Dora {rapidly). Can Frank come out now? Was it 
really smallpox? 

Dick. Yes, Frank will be out directly, and I am 
happy to say that the poor old lady didn't have small- 
pox but only a bad case of measles. 

Alice. Is she still here ? 

Dick. Oh, no, they carried her out 

{Enter Frank R., in male attire, minus the lather on 
face.) 

Frank. On a stretcher. 

Alice. I'm so glad. 

Dora. Oh, Frank, I was so shaky. 

(Frank and Dora doivn c) 

Frank. What about, the smallpox, or the board of 
health ? 

Dora. I don't know. I was wondering if I would be 
able to see you before we went to the country for the 
week end. 

(Dick and Alice have been conversing up stage near 
window. ) 



his uncle's niece 17 

Alice (coming down). It is getting late, my dear, 
and we have quite some shopping to do before train time, 
so perhaps we had better trip along. 

Frank. If you will drop in again on your way to the 
station, and we are fortunate enough to have a lull in 
business, we will be pleased to see you as far as your 
train. 

Alice. Thank you ; we will surely be back later. 

Dora. When, I hope, your time will not be taken with 
one-legged colored ladies. [Alice and Dora exeunt c. 

Dick. For the love of mud hurry yourself into that 
costume. 

Frank. I can't manage it alone. 

Dick. I'll give you a lift. (They both start r. Bell 
rings.) Drat that bell. (Goes to tube.) Hello — Yes, 
this is Richard Tate, Esq. — Oh yes, to be sure — (To 
Frank.) Go get dressed. (In tube.) I beg your par- 
don, I said you know the address — Yes, madam, come 
right up. 

Frank. Who, who is it? Not Uncle? 

Dick. Never mind who, get dressed. It isn't Unck, 
but it soon will be. Hurry now! Hurry!! (Pushes 
Frank off r.) You'll have to dress the best you can. 
If there is anything at all difficult call me. 

(Goes to table l.) 

(Enter c, Mrs. Sarah Ann Mullen, carrying a 
parasol and small hand-bag. She is decidedly a 
country lady, but not extremely ridiculous. She 
speaks rather loudly and slowly.) 

Mrs. M. Ah ! How-da-do! Mr. Tate, I presume ; yes, 
yes, of course it is Mr. Tate. How could it be anything 
else when it is on the card outside the door and wasn't 
I jest speaking to ye through that 'ere pipe. 

Dick (indicating chair R.). Pray be seated, Mrs. 

Mrs. M. Mullen, Mrs. Sarah Ann Mullen of Happy 
Valley Junction. (Sitting in chair R., and looking 
around.) Now I believe in getting right to the point, so 
I wunt waste any words, so's to speak ; but will begin by 



1 8 his uncle's niece 

saying that I need the advice of a lawyer and maybe a 
detective, but that is really more than I can say at present. 

Dick. At your service, my dear lady. 

Mrs. M. Well, to begin ; several years ago I was fool 
enough to get married to one of them worthless skunks 
called men. I beg yer pardon but 

Dick. Not at all, I've been called worse names. 

Mrs. M. I'm referring to this no-account man I 
hitched myself to some twenty years ago. I was warned 
ag'in him but I guess they're nearly right when they say 
love is blind. It surely is, deef, dumb and blind; but as 
I say, I'm a woman of few words and to come to the 
point, my husband left me when we had been married 
only a few months. 

Dick. But haven't you allowed this to run quite a 
length of time 

Mrs. M. Oh, I didn't mourn long; it wuz only a very 
short time before I discovered that I wuz better off with- 
out him. When he left a young lady accompanied him 
but I bear no malice ag'in her; in truth I am sorry for 
her. But I guess it didn't take her long to find him out, 
from what I could gather at the time. Now you under- 
stand I'm a woman of few words and believe in coming 
to the point directly, as I wuz about to say 

Dick. Yes 

Mrs. M. About to say, when he left me he took my 
private papers and sich ; among which, wuz one hundred 
shares of mining stock which wuz regarded as worthless 
at that time, but only yesterday, while here in town, I 
learned that they had become worth quite a sum. 

Dick. And do you suppose that they are now in the 
possession of this person you mention? 

Mrs. M. That is something I want to find out. 

Dick. And where is this 

Mrs. M. He's another thing I want to find. 

Dick. Do I understand that you have not seen or 
heard of him for over twenty years? 

Mrs. M. Not a word 

Dick. Madam, of course you realize that 



(Frank, at door r., beckons Dick frantically. Dick, 



his uncle's niece 19 

resuming.) Ah yes, pardon me a moment, my dear lady, 
but my cat is in the other room and I am afraid he is eat- 
ing the canary. (Starts r.) 

Mrs. M. Certainly, but you should never leave a cat 

and (Dick exits r.) Humph! Now that's a queer 

combination; cat, lawyer and a canary. But then you 
do run up ag'in some queer articles here in the city. 
(Looking around room.) This don't seem to be a very 
prosperous looking establishment, but then, he seems all 
right and probably needs the work and I've heard tell 
that you can get these young lawyers a good deal cheaper. 
This room is certainly in an awful mess ; if I had my way 
here, I wouldn't have sich a helter-skelter. But what can 
a person expect of people that have lived and been 
brought up in the city where everything is a shove here, 
and a push there ; and nobody seems to have time enough 
to know their next door neighbor. I wish I wuz back in 
Happy Valley right now; I can't for the life of me re- 
member whether I left Tom locked in the house or not, 
but then I don't suppose he will starve with nine lives to 
live and only four days to use 'em up in. I'm glad I 

didn't have to leave a man in the (Enter Dick r.) 

Mr. Tate, are you a married man ? 

Dick (eyeing her). No, ah no; far from it. 

Mrs. M. (looking around). I thought so. 

Dick. I presume, madam, that you want to locate this 
party and lay claim to your property, which of course 
will be an uncertain procedure, as twenty years is quite a 
period of time. 

Mrs. M. That is what I have been trying to say. 

Dick (at table l., writing). Could you give me a 
description of 

Mrs. M. Oh yes, he wuz a man of more than medium 
height, dark hair and had a very mean look in his face. 

Dick. And his age would now be? 

Mrs. M. About fifty odd, I should say. 

Dick. And his name ? 

Mrs. M. Henry Thaddeus Mullen. 

Dick. Has he any near relatives? 

Mrs. M. I don't know of any. 



20 

Dick. I cannot promise you any real success, but 
there is a fair chance, yes, quite a fair chance of recov- 
ering your property ; mind, I say only a fair chance. Our 
regular fee in such matters is anywhere from ten to one 
hundred dollars, in advance, you know, sort of a retainer. 
In this case, say we make it — well — say fifteen dollars. 

Mrs. M. (rising, and handing him money from bag). 
Now I can rely on you to try and locate this critter, 
can't I? (Goes up c.) 

Dick. To be sure, madam. Here's your parasol. 

Mrs. M. Thank you. Good-bye. 

Dick. Good-day. [Exit Mrs. Mullen. 

(Dick dances around kissing bills. Enter Frank r. 
dressed as girl and wearing a lady's wig. ) 

Frank. Well! What's up? 

Dick. Our capital. Gone up from thirty-nine cents 
to fifteen thirty-nine. 
Frank. Hurrah ! 

(They join hands and dance c Enter Mrs. Mullen 
c, who stands horrified, hands in air.) 

Mrs. M. Young man! (They stop dancing, Dick l., 
Frank r. Mrs. Mullen at c.) Young man, I suppose 
you will tell me that this young lady is your sister. I 
think I will withdraw my case and the fifteen dollars. 

Dick. Ah, just one moment. I can readily perceive 
your consternation over our little scene, but 

Mrs. M. You said you were unmarried. Now pray 
tell me who this creature is ? 

Frank. Why, I'm his 

Dick. Hold on. Let me explain. This is the one 
and only Francis Felton, the wonder of his age; the 
shrewdest detective of this country. Allow me (Taking 
off Frank's wig.) to make you acquainted. Frank, this 
is the charming Mrs. Sarah Ann Mullen of Happy Valley 
Junction. 

(Mrs. Mullen bows stiffly. Frank bows.) 



HIS UNCLE'S NIECE 21 

Mrs. M. May be, but do you usually hold such capers 
here; sich as I jest witnessed? 

Dick. Oh yes, you see he is in one of his many dis- 
guises and I was helping him to rehearse, as he is to 
impersonate a young lady of cabaret fame this evening. 

Mrs. M. I see; that is different. I hope you will 
overlook my shocked manner but it did seem queer 
actions for a smart upright young lawyer (Dick smells.) 
to be having. I came back to ask when I would hear 
from you. 

Dick. Would it be too much trouble for you to call 
later, when I have had time to consider the matter more 
fully? 

Mrs. M. No, I'm in town until to-morrow, and have 
plenty of leisure; by the way, you never mentioned your 
friend the detective before. Couldn't he be of help to us 
in locating this critter of mine ? 

Frank. To be sure, madam, it would be a pleasure, 
I assure you. I will gladly do what I can for you for 

Dick. But my dear lady, his services are rather ex- 
pensive. 

Frank. Not at all in this case. I think I would like 
to give my services to this lady for the experience of the 
case whatever it might be. 

Mrs. M. Thank you. Mr. Tate will inform you of 
the matter. Good-day. [Exit Mrs. Mullen, c. 

ScT- } ^cod-day. 

Frank (coming c). Well, give me the once over, and 
tell me how I look. ( Turning around slowly. ) 

Dick. Capital! Philander will go into raptures the 
moment he lays his eyes on you. 

Frank. I presume you have thought of further plans 
for my coming engagement, that is, more fully than last 
I heard. 

Dick. Well, no ; I can't say I have had much time, but 
you will only have to follow the natural course of events 
and be very loving to both Unck and your suitor. The 
rest will come very easy, just do as I instruct; take it 
easy ; you have nothing to worry over. 



22 HIS UNCLE'S NIECE 

(Lays wig on table L.) 

Frank. Nothing to worry over? Well, now, I like 
that. 

Dick. I have an appointment that will take me away 
for a few minutes, but will soon be back. It would be a 
fine idea to sort of straighten this room before dear 
Uncle arrives. 

Frank. Rather strange that you should happen to 
think of clearing this room just previous to your appoint- 
ment. 

Dick. Keep cool; I will be gone only a few minutes 
and bear in mind that I am in this venture quite heavily 
myself, and you can rest assured I'll stand behind you in 
whatever happens. You can rely 

(Knock on door. Dick and Frank exchange glances. 
Dick jumps under table.) 

Frank. That's right (Knock.) — stand behind me. 

(Frank goes to door and returns with florist's box.) 

Dick (coming from under table). I thought it was 
that woman again. 

Frank (sarcastically). And you were afraid she 
would force another fee on you ? 

Dick. Now, I wonder who that box is from and what 
it might contain. 

Frank (undoing box). Well, it might contain a pair 
of suspenders; a few sticks of dynamite or — (Opening 
box. ) Sweet pickles ! 

Dick. No ! ! 

Frank. Well now, look at that. (Exhibits flowers. 
Reads note.) "To my darling Frances; from your 
Philander." 

Dick. We must arrange them very artistically where 
they will meet his gaze when first he arrives. 

Frank. Bright idea, but what shall we put them in? 

Dick. That's right, we haven't a thing. Nothing but 
a cup with a broken handle. 

Frank (picking up coffee-pot). Here we are, the 
very thing. (Places coffee-pot on table l. He tries to 



his uncle's niece 23 

place flowers in it, but stems are too long. Reaches for 
pocket.) Here, cut the stems off. (Dick cuts stems off 
with knife from table. Frank arranges ^flowers. Dick 
ties ribbon from flowers around.) There, that looks as 
if a feminine hand had been at work here. 

Dick. Now, my charming Miss Frances, I must beg 
to take leave of your delightful society as I have a very 
pressing engagement. (Business of being busy.) 

[Exit Dick, c. 

Frank. I wonder what this Philander fellow will be 
like? It seems a shame to deceive him; undoubtedly 
some young fellow in straitened circumstances, as I am 
myself. I'm sure to be found out, and then there will be 
a terrible pow-pow. (Looking at clock on desk.) By 
Jove, it's getting near the appointed time and I must get 
this room in order. There doesn't seem to be much the 
matter with it, but I suppose a girl would have it some- 
what neater. (Starts to pick up room; puts shoes on 
table l., carries smoking utensils from table to desk. 
Brings hat from desk to table, carries neckties from 
table to chair, and brings socks from chair to table.) 
Dick won't know the place, after my feminine touch. I 

surely think those flowers look like (Knock on 

door.) Holy horrors! I've lost my wig. 

(At c. Looks toward c. door, starts for c. Stops. 
Starts l. Knock on door. Starts r. Knock on 
door. Stops in confusion, starts l. and seeing wig 
on table grabs it and rushes off rJ 

(Enter Dora c, just in time to see him vanish through 
door R.) 

Dora (gazing after Frank). Now, who was that? 
I'm sure that one had two sound legs and by the way she 
ran I should judge she was under ninety. (Coming 
down.) I cannot understand all this mystery. Her 
garments resembled those Dick had on his arm. Well, 
two is company and three's a regiment. (Starts up c. 
Stops.) No, I'll play this out as if I knew nothing of 
this — this "Aged colored lady." Alice said she would 



24 his uncle's niece 

meet me here ; evidently she has been detained as usual. 
(Seats herself near table l., reaches for magazine, sees 
flowers in coffee-pot. Reading card attached to ribbon.) 

" To my darling Frances " Oh ! The wretch — 

the — oh — oh (Sobs, head on table.) 

(Enter Uncle and Philander very briskly at c.) 

Uncle (coming down). Ah, here we are at last. Not 

a very (Approaching Dora.) And here is my 

little niece waiting for — What! Why, my dear, you're 
not crying, are you? I hope we have not disappointed 
you by being a trifle late ; but you see 

Dora (looking up). What do you mean, sir? I'm 
not your niece. I don't know you, and what is more 
I 

Uncle (patting her on shoulder). Tut! Tut! My 
dear, calm yourself. Permit me to explain. I am your 
Uncle Simon and this young gentleman is 

Dora (drawing away). Another prominent actor in 
this farce that is taking place here. I suppose he is a 
brother to the colored lady. 

Uncle. But, my dear, you received my letter, I 
hope 

Dora (getting up). Letter? I have received no let- 
ter from you, and what is more, I wish you to under- 
stand that I am not your dear. 

Uncle (to Philander). There is a slight mistake 
here, I'm sure ; pray be patient. 

Phil. Have no fear; I'm sure a man of your under- 
standing and ability can straighten everything; I have 
always put the utmost faith in your sound judgment and 
it is not for me to change my mind regarding your mas- 
terly way of handling all difficult situations at this late 
hour. 

Uncle. So you have not received my letter; that 
explains everything. 

Dora. I am glad you think so. 

Uncle. Just a moment. I am your Uncle Simon 
whom you have never seen and this young man is your 
future husband. 



his uncle's niece 25 

Dora (jumping up). My future husband! You, my 
uncle ! You are crazy, both of you. Have you any idea 
where you are, and to whom you are talking? 

Phil. Perhaps we have made a mistake 

Uncle. Mistake ! Mistake ! ! I guess not ; isn't this 
Frances Felton's establishment? Of course it is! Did 
you ever know me to make a mistake, Filmore ? 

Phil. No, I cannot say that 

Uncle. Don't interrupt ! Now is this or is it not the 
residence of Frances Felton? 

Dora. It is. 

Uncle. And you are? 

Dora (flouncing out a). None of your business. 

Uncle (following her to c. and looking off). What! 
What ! None of my business, eh ! Philander, I have 
never in all my born days had anyone ever tell me to 
mind my own business before to-day, and to think that 
the first time should be by a young lady. Young lady, 
bah! If I had known that all my hopes were going to 
materialize thus, I would have 



Phil. Allow me to suggest that possibly 

Uncle. Shut up ! ! 

Phil. Yes, sir. 

Uncle. Well, what are we going to do about it? 
Answer me ! Why don't you suggest something ? 

Phil. I beg your pardon, but could I not mention in 
a humble way, in a humble way, you understand; that 
possibly 

Uncle. Mind your own business. 

Phil (aside). Minding your own business seems to 
be the chief occupation around here. 

Uncle. Well, we're here and if that was my niece 
we will jolly soon be somewhere else; let me tell you 
that. 

Phil. I quite agree with you. When it comes to an 
important decision, your judgment is second to none. 

Uncle. Ah, I see your senses have not entirely left 
you. Now what do you think of this reception, young 
man? 

Phil. As you very well know, I leave everything to 



26 his uncle's niece 

your superior judgment in this case; but just as a sug- 
gestion, wouldn't it be a wise plan to rather look the 
ground over? Perhaps the young lady of the fiery tem- 
per was not your niece after all, and then again, you — 
no — I mean, we might possibly have made a mistake in 
the address. 

Uncle. Mistake! I, make a mistake? I guess you 
forget to whom you are talking. I, make a mistake! 
Why, I know without a doubt that this is my niece's 
home. I can recognize it in an instant; not that I have 
any knowledge of what her ideas are but I can see by 
the family trait of constant cultivation of good taste. 

Phil. Surely, surely. 

Uncle {looking around). Not that this room is fur- 
nished with anything remarkably expensive but you will 
note, it shows careful study. Now, (Sees flowers.) now, 
just note how artistically those posies are arranged in — 
in 

Phil. That percolator ! 

Uncle. Percolator ? 

Phil, (taking flowers out of coffee-pot). Yes, perco- 
lator ! 

Uncle (picking up coffee-pot). Percolator, nothing! 
It's a coffee-pot. 

(Frank enters r., whistling.) 

Phil. What next? 

Frank (seeing Uncle and Philander. Aside.) 
Good-night! (Uncle and Philander turning, notice 
Frank. Aside.) Now for it. (Advances to meet 
Uncle.) My dear, dear Uncle. 

(They embrace c, Uncle still holding coffee-pot. 
Philander l., holding flozvers.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE.— The same as in Act I. 'Afternoon of the same 
day. The stage is set as in Act I. Properties, as at 
the close of the preceding act. 

{The curtain discloses Frank seated in Uncle's lap, 
in chair r.) 

Uncle. So you have no objections to my choice of a 
husband. 

Frank. I think he is the darlingest duck of a man I 
ever knew. 

Uncle. Ah, you don't know how glad I am to hear 
you say that ; I had some fear that 

Frank. Fear! Why, you old goose, Uncle. He is 
my ideal of a perfect man. 

Uncle. I'm glad to hear it, very glad indeed. And 
I am sure, from what Philander tells me, that he is 
carried away with you. 

Frank. Oh, you must not say that, it makes me 
blush. Am I getting heavy? 

Uncle. Heavy! Well, I should say not; I could 
hold you like this for hours. 

Frank. Don't you think this would be a nice place 
for a wedding, Uncle? 

Uncle. Why, you see I have planned to have the 
wedding at Happy Valley Junction, where I have just 
leased a cottage for the remainder of the season. 

Frank. But I would much rather have my wedding 
here. 

Uncle {speaking louder). And I say we will have it 
at Happy Valley Junction. 

Frank. And why not here? 

Uncle. Do you mean to tell me that you prefer to 
be married here in this room among all these ungodly 
thing-a-ma-bobs ? 

*7 



28 his uncle's niece 

Frank. Thing-a-ma-bobs ! 

Uncle. Yes, thing-a-ma-bobs; or whatever you call 
'em. Here for instance we find Philander' s flowers in 
a — a coffee-pot. 

Frank (jumping up). Is this what you mean? Why, 
this isn't a coffee-pot; this is a very rare pitcher from 
Peru. It is priceless. 

Uncle. Is — that so? I'll have to tell Philander how 
he was mistaken. Now, I wasn't fooled; you see I'm 
never mistaken. (Getting up.) But don't you think 
you would much rather be married at Happy Valley ? 

Frank. I'll have to ask Dick, first. 

Uncle. Dick! Dick! What do you mean, Dick? 
Who is Dick? 

Frank. Dick is — er — he is my lawyer. 

Uncle. Your lawyer! (Picks up stocking from 
table l.) Pray tell me, does this attractive table-cloth 
belong to Dick ? 

Frank. That belongs to Mr. Tate. 

Uncle. Oh ! So Mr. Tate sheds his stockings here 
in your room, does he? (Confronting Frank.) Who 
is Mr. Tate? 

Frank He is Dick; that is — no — Dick is Mr. — No! 
No ! Mr. Tate is my servant. 

Uncle. Your servant, eh ! Your servant ! ! ! 

Frank. Yes, my servant. 

Uncle (turning and going r.). Not a very selective 
spot for a servant to air his socks, I must say. (Sees 
neckties and collars in chair R.) Look here; does this 
fellow work here or does he use this place for a gym- 
nasium? I presume, just at present he happens to be 
taking his daily exercise and I suppose he will call shortly 
to restore his much refreshed body to his belongings 
with which he has so artistically decorated this room. 

Frank. You see he is such a fine servant that I: 
refrain from saying anything that would cause him to 
feel hurt. 

Uncle. Feel hurt ! He'll feel hurt if I find any more 
of his tracks around here. (Sees shoes on table L.) I 
see he does not hesitate to leave his shoes 



his uncle's niece 29 

Frank* But those are my shoes, Uncle. 

Uncle. Yours f I suppose you'll tell me that you 
wear one at a time, so you can walk in these new style 
skirts. 

Frank. Not quite as bad as that, but a few weeks 
back I was troubled with corns. 

Uncle. I don't doubt it if you wore those. 

Frank. I thought they would relieve my feet. 

Uncle. Well, they haven't relieved my mind any. 
Where is this servant? Call him in here and I'll dis- 
charge him. Why do you have a man instead of a 
woman for a servant? 

Frank. It is impossible to get a reliable maid, and 
you see Dick — that is — er — this servant of mine was 
with our family when I was a child and I could not 
think of letting him go. 

Uncle. Couldn't think of it, eh! We'll see! We'll 
see ! ! Wait till I 

(Enter Dick c, walking briskly.) 

Frank. Here he is now. 

Uncle (down a). Come here, young man. Now 
what do you mean by using this place for a laundry where 
you can air your personal belongings and ? 

Dick. Just a moment, sir 

Uncle. Silence ! Here you have a good position, 
and you abuse it by using the furniture here, as a 
clothes-line. Now I 

Dick. And who has a better right ? Do you happen 
to know to whom you are talking ? 

Uncle. Do I know ! Do I know to whom I — ! ! ! 
G-r-r-r-r-r You're fired! Do you hear? Fired! 

Frank (running to Uncle). No, no, Uncle ; not that ! 
You see, I couldn't think of it, and besides I need him 
very much right now, you know. With my wedding and 
everything. You don't know what a manager he is. 

Dick. No, I couldn't think of 

Uncle (to Dick). Shut up! Well, we won't dis- 
charge him right now, but it would be a good idea for 



3 6 

you to mend your ways, young man. And you may be- 
gin by clearing this room; and remember I'm the boss 
here, now. 

Dick {meekly). Yes, sir. 

Frank. Wouldn't you like to take a nap? You will 
find a couch in the next room. {Points L.) 

Uncle. To tell the truth, I do feel rather tuckered 
after this servant ordeal. Well, call me if you need any 
help in the household problems. [Exit Uncle, l. 

Dick {confronting Frank). Well! What is the big 
idea, here? 

Frank. You are my servant. 

Dick. Servant ! Look here ! Did I tell you any- 
thing about this 

Frank. No, but Uncle wanted 

Dick. Hang Uncle! I'm the boss of this business 
and I don't remember casting myself as the servant. 

Frank. It was the only way out, and you had not 
shown yourself ; so I had to do something. Now if you 
have any further orders, let me know, as I would like 
to 

Uncle {offu). Francis! Oh, Francis! (Dick exits 
r., hurriedly. Uncle enters l.) There's something 
puzzling me ; when I first arrived I made the mistake of 
addressing another young lady, thinking it was you. 

Frank. Another young lady — that is strange. What 
did she look like ? 

Uncle. Well, she was fairly good looking, quite tall 
and had quite a fiery temper. 

Frank. Oh ! Ha ! Ha ! Excuse me, Uncle, but it's 
quite a joke. 

Uncle. I can assure you it was no joke. 

Frank. Why, Uncle, that was Dick's wife. 

Uncle. Dick's wife? 

Frank. Yes, my servant's wife. 

Uncle. Oh ! Is that the whole of his family or will 
I find four or five young Dicks around here? 

Frank. Nothing like that, Uncle. 

Uncle. Let us hope not. [Exits L. 

Frank. Now I wonder who Uncle could have meant. 



his uncle's niece 31 

Oh, well, why should I bother about that? I had better 
consult Dick for further instructions. (Starts R.) 

(Enter Philander c, with box.) 

Phil. Ah, how fortunate I am to arrive at this op- 
portune time. I hope you are not in a hurry. 

Frank. No, that is, I was just going to give my man 
some instructions. 

Phil. Your man! 

Frank. Yes, my servant. 

Phil, Oh yes, your servant, to be sure. 

Frank (sitting in chair, r.). But it doesn't matter. 
Do you know, I've been wondering what your impression 
of Uncle is? 

Phil, (placing chair close to Francis). I think your 
uncle is the cleverest, smartest and brightest person I 
know, with one exception 

Frank (coyly). With one exception ! And who may 
that be, pray? 

Phil. What if a little bird should tell you that I 
thought his niece was the only one excepted ? 

Frank. You're flattering now. 

Phil. Not a bit, I assure you. By the way, here is 
a little remembrance I purchased for you. 

(Hands Frank box of candy.) 

Frank. Thank you; you are very thoughtful, I am 
sure. Will you always be as thoughtful toward me, 
that is, after we are married? 

Phil. If I could only say in words the thoughts that 

come to me ; ah, but it is beyond one so humble as I 

(Places arm around Frank and looks cautiously about.) 
Would it be out of the way, if I should take the liberty 
to ? 

Frank. What if some one should come? 

Phil. Oh, there is no danger. 

(Dick enters r. unobserved, and watches with much 
silent laughter from up stage.) 



3* 



his uncle's niece 



Frank. Are you sure? 

Phil, (anticipating). Surely; it's perfectly all right; 
we're engaged, you know. 

(Philander leans toward Frank, about to kiss him. 
Dick sneezes. Frank and Philander jump up.) 

Dick (coming down). I beg your pardon, but which 
bag shall I pack? 

Frank. The black one will do. 

Phil. I believe I will take a walk. That is, if you 
have no objections. 

Frank. Not in the least ; take care of yourself. 

Phil. Surely — Good-bye. [Exit Phil., C. 

Frank. You saved the day. 

Dick. What; by sneezing? That was an accident. 
I was waiting for him to kiss you. 

Frank. Accident or not, do you realize that if he 
had kissed me, he would have noticed my beard? That 
is one thing we must guard against. It is a wonder that 
he has not seen through this disguise before now. I 
have no fear of Uncle with his poor eyesight, but this 
other gink is likely to get wise. 

Dick. Don't worry, love is blind; but it is not love 
for the fair Francis that is blinding that bird; it's his 
love for that million. 

Frank. I guess you are right, there. Do you know 
the latest development? I'm to be married at Happy 
Valley Junction. 

Dick. At Happy Valley Junction! Where have I 
heard that name before? By Jove, the fifteen dollar 
lady, Mrs. Sarah Ann Mullen. Say, that won't be so 
bad; perhaps we can combine business with pleasure. 

Frank. Holy mackerel ! Where does the pleasure 
come in? Tell me, is my skirt too long? 

(Frank walks c. and turns.) 

Dick. No, but that is one thing you must get rid of. 

Frank. What, my skirt? 

Dick. No, that holy mackerel business, and the rest 



his uncle's niece 



33 



of your slang ; don't let Unck hear it. By the way, when 
do we start for Happy Valley Junction? 

Frank. Uncle said there was a train at four-thirty; 
that reminds me, I must pack. 

Dick. Pack! What will you pack? 

Frank. You're right, what can I pack? I'll have to 
carry the bag anyway. I must hunt it up. See you later. 

[Exit R. 

Dick (places Philander's chair back l., and leans 
against table during following speech). It looks as if 
Uncle was rushing this thing right along. I don't seem 
to be the general here at all. Now if I could only have 
a little time to think this thing out. I can't see any way 
clear at present; but we must have that million. 

(Enter Alice, c.) 



Alice. Hello, Sir Richard ; has Dora called here for 



me 



Dick. I haven't seen her. 

Alice. She said she would meet me here; but there, 
she always is hours late. I hope she gets here in time 
for us to catch our train ; it leaves at four-thirty. 

Dick. Let me see, you are going down to Chadwick, 
are you not ? 

Alice. Oh no, we're going to my aunt's at Happy 
Valley Junction. 

Dick. Happy Valley Junction ! 

Alice. Yes, Happy Valley Junction. 

Dick. Did you say your train left at four-thirty? 

Alice. Yes, four-thirty; why? 

Dick. Oh, nothing. (Sinks in chair R.) 

Alice. Dick ! What is the matter ? 

Dick. Alice, you mustn't take that train; it's going 
to be wrecked. I heard that the engineer of that train 
drinks moonshine, and isn't reliable. No, you mustn't go 
to Happy Valley Junction on that train. In fact, there 
isn't any train at four-thirty. 

Alice. No train at four-thirty? 

Dick. No, there is no train any time to Happy Val- 



34 



HIS UNCLE S NIECE 



ley Junction. They have discontinued them. The tracks 
have been torn up. 

Alice. Tracks torn up ! 

Dick. Yes, I read it. 

Alice. Where ? 

Dick. I don't know, somewhere — in something. 

(Uncle enters from l., listens from up stage.) 

Alice (bending over Dick). Dick, are you in your 
right mind or are you getting stage struck ? There seems 
to be a number of extraordinary scenes taking place here 

to-day (Pauses.) Answer me now; what do you 

mean by talking about moonshine and wrecks and ? 

Uncle (coming down). Here! Here! (Dick jumps 
up. Uncle grabs Dick.) This thing has gone about 
far enough. I think it's up to me to show you your 
proper place and take you down a peg or two. What do 
you mean by flirting here with this young lady ; and you 
a married man, sir. A married man! Aren't you 
ashamed of yourself? 

Dick. Let me 

Uncle. Silence ! 

Alice. Married man! Who said so? 

Uncle. Frances said so, and I was talking to his wife 
when I first arrived. He must have been abusing her 
then, as I found her in tears. (To Dick.) Oh, you're a 
sly one, I'll 



Dick. This is a mis 



Uncle. I presume she is a miss; I should hope you 
didn't happen to marry more than one at a time. 

Alice. So ; I begin to see who the one-legged colored 
lady was, and the clothes you had on your arm. There, 
take your old ring. (Throws ring at Dick.) 

[Exit Alice, c. 

Dick (follows her off c. calling). Alice — just a mo- 
ment — please, Alice 

(Followed by Uncle who has him by the coat-tail) 
(Enter Frank r.) 



his uncle's niece 



35 



Frank. I thought I heard voices, but there seems to 
be no one here. I wonder if Uncle has awakened from 

his nap. I hope that (Enter Uncle c.) Ah, here 

you are; you did not take a very long nap. 

Uncle. Nap! I would like to get that servant of 
yours by the " nap" of his neck. 

Frank. I hope he hasn't been pestering you. 

Uncle. Did I understand you to say that he was a 
married man? 

Frank. Why, I believe I said he had a wife. 

Uncle. You believe you said so : Don't you know ? 

Frank. Of course he is married and has a very de- 
lightful wife of whom he is very fond. 

Uncle. Very fond of her; yes, I should say he was 
very fond of a number of them. 

Frank. Why, what do you mean? 

Uncle. Mean! I just found him making love to 
another young lady right here in this room. 

Frank. Are you sure it was not his wife? As I 
said, he is very fond 

Uncle. Wife, fiddlesticks! I came into this room 
and there they were, both in that chair ; and upon my tak- 
ing him to task for it the young lady was very much 
surprised to learn that he had a wife, and threw her 
engagement ring at him and went out in tears. He's a 
regular Mormon. You must get rid of him at once. 

Frank. But I couldn't discharge him right off sud- 
denly, as he is quite reliable in many ways. Perhaps it 
was his sister ; she comes here quite often, and now that 
I come to think of it he has kept his marriage a secret 
from her. 

Uncle. Sister! My dear Frances, you ought to be 
well aware that young men do not give rings to their own 
sisters, and I guess this isn't his only escapade. I heard 
the young lady mention something about a one-legged 
colored lady with her clothes on her arm. 

Frank. Oh, ho ! A one-legged colored lady, eh ? 

Uncle. Do you know who she is? 

Frank. No, I have never heard of her. 

Uncle, Oh, I thought perhaps you would say it was 



36 his uncle's niece 

another sister. But that is neither here nor there; you 
simply must tell that scoundrel that you are through 
with him. 

Frank {approaching Uncle). Uncle, I would do 
anything for you, and as much as I dislike to mention it, 
I will tell him that his services are not wanted after this 
week. 

Uncle. Well, if you can't see your way clear to 
bounce him right now, I suppose I'll have to submit to 
his actions for a week longer. 

Frank. Uncle, you're a peach {Aside.) of a prune. 
{Aloud.) I will run right along and tell him. [Exit c. 

Uncle. I guess you'll have to run some to catch him, 
if he is still going at the same speed. {Sits r.) Now, 
she's not such an unruly girl as I thought she would be, 
considering who her mother was. She must take after 
her father. I only hope this marriage will be a success; 
I haven't told them anything about the cottage I have fur- 
nished for them. I wonder if they will have any objec- 
tions to my living with them. Of course not. It isn't as 
if I were a cranky old individual always poking around 
finding fault with the servants and meddling in general. 
How this coming event recalls to my mind, as if it were 
only yesterday, over twenty years ago, when I was a 
happy married man and now — I wonder where she is ? 

{Enter Mrs. Mullen c, carrying letter.) 

Mrs. M. Oh, excuse me, but could you tell me 
whether Mr. Tate is in or not? 

Uncle {rising). No, ma'am; I cannot say that I 
know the gentleman. 

Mrs. M. Perhaps you might inform me, then, where 
I would find Mr. Felton. 

Uncle. Right here, madam; I am Mr. Felton. 

Mrs. M. You ! Oh, I see ; how clever of you. ' I 
suppose this is one of your many disguises. — You see 
I wasn't 

Uncle. Are you sure that you haven't 

Mrs. M. As I was saying, I wasn't quite sure that it 
could be you; but of course it is — and 



37 



Uncle. I think there is 



Mrs. M. And I wanted to say that if you would try 
and find that rascal of a husband of mine, I would be 
greatly relieved, and if your friend Mr. Tate 

Uncle. My friend Mr. TATE ! ! Look here ! Don't 
connect my 

Mrs. M. Don't interrupt me. As I was about to say, 
being a woman of few words, and having only a few 
minutes before my train leaves for Happy Valley, I 
wish you would tell Mr. Tate that as I did not happen 
to see him, he can write to me for further information. 
I will leave my address here on the table. (Lays en- 
velope on table l.) Good-day, sir. 

Uncle. Just a moment, I (Exit Mrs. Mullen 

c.) That is strange; she said Happy Valley. What 
sort of a place is this; a lunatic asylum? By 
George ! ! She certainly had 'em all right. That was 
queer; she called me by name and thought I was in 
disguise. Looking for her rascal of a husband, eh ! I 
pity the poor fellow if she ever finds him. What a 
tongue that woman — Ye Gods ! ! I'll wager that was 
wife number two of that servant. I'm going to give 
that fellow a piece of my mind right off the handle. 
(Starts to go c, pauses in door.) Here he comes now 
in the lower hall, and his wife is with him. (Comes 
down.) I wonder if it wouldn't be wise to wait. [Exit l. 

(Enter Dick and Dqra c„ talking^ as, they enter. } } 

Dick. But, Dora, it is. all a mistake. 

Dora. Mistake! I should say so, with that horrid: 
old man running in here and calling me his dear niece, 
and r 

Dick. Why, that is easily explained: He is Frank's; 
uncle, but I'll admit he is rather off his base. 

Dora, I should say as much. Did you say he was 
Frank's uncle? It's strange Frank has never mentioned 
him to me ; but then, there seem to be a number of things, 
of late that he has neglected to mention.. 

Dick, 'So,?, 



38 his uncle's niece 

Dora. And what is more I think you can enlighten 
me, if you felt so disposed, in regard to most of these 
queer actions taking place here. 

Dick. Queer actions! What do you mean? Every- 
thing is all O. K. here, so far as I know. 

Dora. Very well, keep up your sham of innocence if 
it pleases you, but it is rather strange that Frank is al- 
ways out or being detained by lady visitors or 

Dick. Why, you don't blame Frank for being kind 
hearted to that colored lady, do you ? 

Dora. Colored lady ! Did you think I swallowed the 
whole of that fish story of yours ? 

Dick. But 

Dora. Because if you did you are very much mis- 
taken. Now are you going to explain all these mys- 
terious actions here, or are you not ? 

Dick. I don't really know what 

Dora. Dick, don't stand there and lie to me. I am 
beginning to believe 



Dick. Allow me to say 



Dora. I'll allow nothing; this farce has gone far 
enough. {Enter Uncle l., unobserved.) You are 
either going to tell me the whole truth in this matter or 
I will find out for myself ; so there now. 

Dick. Calm yourself, Dora, everything is all right. 

Uncle {coming down). Everything is not all right. 

Dora. You ! 

Uncle. Yes, I. And if I am not mistaken, this is 
the young lady that I mistook for my niece ; for which I 
beg your pardon, as I see it was a mistake on the part 
of, of, well, of Philander. 

Dick. Look here, old 

Uncle. You shut up ! I beg your pardon, lady, but 
this man needs strong words. I just overheard him say- 
ing that everything was all right. Now I know better 
and so does he. Now, young man, you tell her to her 
face about all these other women you have had trooping 
in here after you. 

Dick. Women ! 

Dora. Oh ! 



HIS UNCLE'S NIECE 39 

(Throws herself in chair l., head on table.) 

Uncle. Yes, women; and it is up to you to tell the 
truth or I will, and I won't omit anything either. This 
thing has gone far enough. Aren't you ashamed to look 
this woman in the face after the actions that have been 
going on here? Answer me! 

Dick. I'm sure you are 

Uncle. Silence, when I'm through you may speak, 
not before. Now get down on your knees and beg her 
pardon. 

Dick. But 

Uncle. Down, before I explode. (Dick, getting 
slowly down. ) Say you are sorry. 

Dick. What 

Uncle. Say it! 

(Frank enters c, unobserved.) 

Dick. I'm sorry. 

(Dora looking up at Uncle.) 

Uncle. Now kiss her. 

Frank (rushing down). Stop! Don't you dare. 
Uncle. What do you mean? 

Frank. What do you mean by making him kiss her? 
Uncle. I am compelling him to explain his capers to 
his wife. 

Dick. My wife ! 

Frank. Holy mackerel! 

Dora (astounded) . Frank! (Starts to get up.) 

(Dick holds her down.) 

Frank. Why, they are the most devoted couple you 
ever saw. Why, I would no sooner 

Uncle. Umph — Maybe; but I wash my hands of the 
whole affair; you can just make your plans to get rid of 
that servant right away ; that's all I have to say. [Exit R. 

Frank. Good-night ! 



40 HIS UNCLE S NIECE 

Dora (getting up). Frank, perhaps you can explain 
why that crazy old lunatic is running around here; but 
tell me first what this female garb is for. 

Frank. Why, that is very easily done. You see, I 
received a letter 

Dick. Let me tell her. Dora, Frank sent all of his 
trousers to the tailor's to — — 

Frank. Hold on, you may be the manager of this 
firm but this is one instance where I'm not going to per- 
mit any more of your lies ; which so far have done more 
harm than good. 

Dick. Very well, but remember I'm not to blame for 
what follows. 

Dora. I'm waiting. 

Frank. I won't blame you if you don't believe me, 
but Jiere goes. My uncle thinks I'm a girl 

Dora. A girl ! 

Frank. Yes, a girl, and he has declared me his heir 
to a million 

Dora. Ah ! 

Frank. On condition that I marry one Mr. Philander 
Filmore. 

Dora. But that is impossible. 

Frank. So it seems to me, but this gentleman here, 
Richard Tate, Esq., thinks he can manage it, so that I 
may come into the million without marrying this Phil- 
ander and then — and then — well, you know. 

(Warn Curtain) 

Dick. Which will be done as described if this clumsy 
idiot makes no more mistakes. 

Dora (taking hold of Frank's dress). So this ex- 
plains the costume Dick had; and also the one-legged 
lady, I suppose. 

Dick. Correct, how clever ! 

Dora. I must go find Alice and tell her immediately. 

Frank. No, don't ! Not a word to anyone. 

Dora. Very well, I must admit that this story is more 
convincing than the other, but I can hardly, that is, I 



4i 

would feel much more satisfied if you would remove 
that wig. 

Dick. No, he mustn't 

Dora. Why not? 

Frank (removing wig). There is no danger. 

Dora (going to Frank). Oh, Frank, forgive rne for 
thinking that you were 

(Enter Uncle r. and Philander c.) 

Dick. Quick ! 

(Jumps in front of Philander first, and then Uncle, 
and waves his arms jumping wildly about. Before 
Frank can get the wig on, Dora has clapped the 
waste basket over his head. Frank runs blindly 
about, but is blocked at r. by Uncle, at c by 
Philander, and by Dora at l.) 

Uncle. I say, are you all crazy ? 

QUICK CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Exterior of Uncle's newly acquired country 
home at Happy Valley Junction. Evening, three days 
later. Japanese lanterns, lighted and strung across 
stage. Stage lights dimmed just enough to give the 
proper tone. Wing showing front porch of house, R. 
Trees and shrubs winged at l. Back drop showing 
trees, shrubs and flowers; or any country landscape 
will do. Hedge across back of stage with entrance 
at c. Rustic pergola down l., extending off stage. 
Dog kennel up stage R. Broom leaning against pergola 
at l. Settle down r. Rustic table and bench in per- 
gola. The pergola and the porch lattice may be used 
to support vineSj roses, etc. 

(Curtain discloses Timothy Haye, the gardener, on 
step-ladder c, fixing Japanese lanterns; Constable 
Silas Sickelmoore seated on settle R., whittling 
stick that he carries as a billy.) 

Timothy. So ye think that feller is a crook, Si. 

Silas. Well, I wouldn't jest say he wuz, and I 
wouldn't jest say he wuzn't, either; but the old feller 
told me ter keep my eye on him. 

Tim. You don't say ! 

Silas. Look here, Timothy Haye, what do ye make 
out of all these air capers this crowd is cutting up, any- 
way? 

Tim. (coming down from ladder and looking around). 
I hardly dare say, but if ye wuz ter ask me, I'd say the 
hull blamed bunch of 'em wuz plumb crazy. 

Silas. Who knows? Perhaps ye may be right. Do 
they act like crazy ones all the time ? 

Tim. (approaching Silas and speaking cautiously). 
Of course this is only 'tween me and you, Silas ; but it 
don't seem right ; that there old scarecrow a-hitching up 

4* 



HIS uncle's niece 



43 



with that there young gal and the old uncle a-standing 
off and a-edging 'em on. But it ain't fer me ter com- 
plain; yer see the old duffer seems ter have plenty of 
money and I'm ter work here jest the same as if Mister 
Walton wuz here hisself and hadn't let the hull place ter 
this crowd fer the rest of the summer. 

Silas. Then it's settled that they are goin' ter stay 
fer a while? Seen much of the gal, lately? Does she 
come out around here much ? 

Tim. Oh, occasionally, occasionally; likely ter look 
up any moment and see her and that old mossback of a 
Philander, roaming around here. They come up some- 
times without airy a sound and like ter scare the day- 
lights out of me. Si, I don't dare sleep fer fear I'll 
wake up some morning and find my throat cut from 

(Frank enters r., wearing a white apron and dusting 
cap.) 

Frank. Oh, Mister Haye, I wonder if you could tell 
me how to make an omelet ? 

Tim. Can't say as I ever made one, but 

Frank. Uncle said he would like a tomato omelet; 
and I haven't the least idea how to make it. 

Tim. Why don't you fry 'em some more eggs? 

Frank. He says if I serve him any more fried eggs, 
he will die of indigestion. 

Tim. Why don't you boil 'em? 

Frank. Right you are! I never thought of that. 

[Exit R., into house. 

Silas. What's an omelet, anyway? 

Tim. Don't know as I kin tell ye, never having made 
one ; but should say it wuz something to eat. That's the 
way that gal has been running out here now fer the last 
three days. How do you cook this, or how do you fix 
that? 

Silas. Can't be much on the cooking, eh ? What will 
her husband do after they're married, I wonder ? 

Tim. I suppose they're planning on getting enough of 
the old feller's money so they kin hire it done. Ye see, 
they always depended on that feller you're ter keep your 



44 HH UNCLE I NIECE 

eye on fer the cooking endj and they no sooner got here 
thati the old Uncle fired him right off the handle. Told 
him if he ever came back lie would blow his brains all 
over the county. 

Silas. So! 

Tim. Y«-p! h<- told him ter spend one day a week 

will) each of his wives and see if it would make him any 

better natured. 

Silas. Do ye suppose he's gol that many? 

'I im. I dunno, it's hard telling, bul yon see he must 
of had some experience ter know how ter cook. And 
now they haven'! any cook or anybody ter look after 'cm 

a tall. I think they would 'a' done better by keeping 

him ;i while. I expeel any minute to hear 'em holler 
fer me tO COme ill and make ihe beds. 

{I '.nicr UNCLE, R., from, house.) 

Silas. Sh !— I lere he is now. 

I FNCLE. 1 say, Ihere ; hey ! 

Tim. (looking Up), That's my name. 

Unclk. Do yon know where I can get a person that 
knows how lo cook? One thai would be willing to do 
j'ou) I cooking, for good money ? 

Tim. I)(iiiiio as I do. Yer see, you've asked me 
thai four or live limes before. 

UNCLE. Well, I'm likely tO ask four or live limes 
more, I guess, before il does any good. I'll Starve be 

fore then, though. Thai niece oi mine only knows how 
to cook one article. Eggs, eggs, eggs, all the time. 
Fried, fried, and fried. Now she has just discovered 
thai they can be boiled. Bah! I'll turn into an c^. I 
don'l dare look a hen in the face. 

SlLAS. Did yon say yon wnz looking fer a woman 
thai could cook ? 

CJNCLE (discovering SlLAS). I believe I made some 
such remark. Do yon know of any one? 

.Silas. Well, I niighl know of a person and then 

ag'in i mighl not, 

l I nci, i,. If you know of a woman lhal will come here 
and cook for me, go get her and I'll pay her anything 



his uncle's niece 45 

she asks, as long as it is reasonable ; reasonable, do you 
hear? 

Silas. Be you want her jest ter cook, or do yer be 
thinking of marrying her? 

Uncle. Marrying her? No, I want to keep from 
starving. I don't want another one to feed. 

Silas. Well, I know of a woman down in the village 
that would be jest what ye want, but whether ye could 
get her or not is another thing. 

Uncle. Would you be so good as to ask her? that is, 
I suppose you are going along that way. 

Silas. Yes, going right along now. Do yer want her 
ter come right up ? 

Uncle. Yes; tell her to hurry; I'm starving. (Exit 
Silas c, going off l.) Everything ready, Timothy? 

Tim. Seems ter be all fixed. I'll go down and get the 
wagons put away 'fore the minister comes, as he will 
prob'ly want a place ter hitch his hoss. 

Uncle. Ye gods! The minister? I wonder if any- 
one has thought about engaging a minister? They can't 
be married without one. That had quite escaped my 
mind. I'll ask Frances. [Exit Uncle, r. 

Tim. I guess he's got 'em all right; be a joke on him 
if the minister wa'n't to hum, now wouldn't it? 

(Starts up c. Enter Frank r.) 

Frank. Just a moment. I wish you would take a 
message to the minister for me. 
Tim. Now? 
Frank. Well, very soon. 
Tim. All right; jest as soon as I harness the hoss. 

(Timothy exits c, going off r., with step-ladder.) 

Frank. I wonder where Dick is ? _ He is rather shy 
since Uncle chased him off the place with that shotgun. 

(Dick pokes head out of dog kennel.) 

Dick. Frank, are you alone? (Frank looking for 
voice.) Here I am, in here. 



46 his uncle's niece 

Frank. Well, of all the 



Dick (trying to crawl out). Don't waste words. 
Help me out ; I'm as stiff as a ramrod. 

Frank (helping Dick out). Come, Fido, come. 

Dick. Jove ! I thought I would never get a chance to 
get out of that sweat-box. There has been some one 
here for the last three hours. 

Frank (laughing). I'm sorry for you, but you did 
look comical. 

Dick. That's it, laugh! Now tell me where is the 
message you have for the minister. 

Frank (producing note). Right here. 

Dick. Give it to me. I'll deliver it to the parson as I 
go by. 

Frank (handing Dick the note). Fine! But you had 
better hurry before Uncle comes. 

Dick. Don't worry, I'm off. See you later. 

[Hobbles off l. 

Frank. I wonder how Dick likes managing this en- 
terprise. 

(Enter Timothy c.) 

Tim. I'm ready ter take that air message to the min- 
ister's. Hoss all hitched and everything. 

Frank. Oh, yes ! The note ! To be sure, but there 
isn't any note — that is — I mean I gave it to Uncle to de- 
liver. 

Tim. All right. (Aside.) I guess they're all daffy. 

[Exit Timothy r. c. 

Frank (down stage). It seems rather provoking to 
think that the girls are here in the village, and I cannot 
get away long enough to see them. It takes all my time 
attending to Uncle or Philander. (Looking off l.) Here 
he comes, now; I'll make myself scarce. [Exit R. 

(Philander enters l., bareheaded.) 

Phil, (looking about). Ah, everything in readiness 
for the event of my life. I wonder where the old bird 
is ? Counting his money I'll wager. Let him count it ; 
I'll have my share of it very shortly. Ah, little he sus- 



his uncle's niece 47 

pects, but I have earned it all these years playing up to 
the role of humbleness and doing everything to please 
him. No doubt he will be greatly shocked to see the apple 
of his eye so suddenly decay; but it will surely happen, 
as soon as I accomplish my little scheme. What do 1 care 
for his pretty niece, when once I get my hands on that 
million. Of course, I'll have to marry her to get it ; but 
what of that, a mere trifle. I'll soon get rid of her but 
not until I'm tired of her. She'll prove a novelty for a 
few months with that beautiful face of hers, and then — 
good-bye Uncle. Where's your million? (Enter 
Uncle r.) Ah, I was just wondering where to look for 
you. I hope you are not thinking of going far; you 
should not go prowling about here after dark, you know. 
That vagabond of a servant you discharged might be 
looking for you. I hope you won't go very far from the 
house. 

Uncle. Don't be alarmed, Philander, I'm not as inno- 
cent as you are; they can't fool me. No one ever did 
yet. 

Phil. I quite agree with you; but I must be going. 
I'm on my way to the station to see if that package has 
arrived. Take care of yourself. Don't stay out in this 
night air too long at a time. [Exit Philander l. 

Uncle. Night air ! The only thing that keeps me 
alive is this air. I wish that cook would hurry so she 
will have time enough to cook a little something before 
this wedding or the whole bunch of us will blow away 
before it's time. Frances seems to know very little about 
cooking, but I guess they will get over that obstacle with 
the money I'm going to give them. I do hope she will 
give Philander no cause to worry over other matters as 
he deserves the best of attention. Philander is certainly 
one of nature's noblemen ; yes, sir, one of the finest. 

(Enter Mrs. Mullen l. c.) 

Mrs. Mullen (coming down). Howdy-doo; I am 

looking fer Land of mercy if it ain't Mr. Felton, 

the detective. What ever brought you 

Uncle. Just a 



48 his uncle's niece 

Mrs. M. Well, well ! Silas said as how it wuz a Mr. 
Felton but I didn't expect it wuz you. Well, have you 
found any new developments ? 

Uncle (aside). That crazy critter again. (Aloud.) 
Haven't you made a mistake, my dear lady ; or perhaps 
you are not aware — that is, probably you have lost your 
way? (Aside.) I'd better humor her. 

Mrs. M. Lost my way! (Aside.) He certainly is 
a queer one. 

Uncle. Do you live around here, or do you ? 

Mrs. M. Do I live around here? Didn't I give your 
partner my address and didn't you jest send Silas after 
me? And me trudging way up here expecting it wuz a 
party that wanted some cooking done, and here I 
find 

Uncle. Cooking! Did you say cooking? By Jove, 
you're right ; of course. Wait here. (Aside.) She may 
be crazy, but any port in a storm. (Aloud.) I'll call my 
niece and she will explain the details. [Exit Uncle r. 

Mrs. M. Queerest actions I ever saw. He must really 
want a cook, or else I'm too thick to see through his 
game. I can't for the life of me see how he can do much 
detecting down here in Happy Valley Junction. I'm 
rather sorry I asked his services ; I think that other one, 
the lawyer chap, has more sense. He wouldn't come 
tramping down here to fix this thing when I've been here 
over fifteen years and nothing has ever happened to my 
knowledge. (Enter l. Dick, who crosses stage in very 
stealthy manner.) Well, I do declare; if here ain't the 
other one. 

Dick (starts). Oh! Don't ever do — What! It can't 
be — it is— Mrs. Mullen. 

Mrs. M. It surely is, young man. What do you ? 

Dick. Now this is what I call fortunate. I was just 
wondering how I would locate you as I have some very 
important news to impart, and here you are. You 
see 

Mrs. M. I'm beginning to see quite a bit. 

Dick. As I was saying, we came down here especially 
to look up this case of yours, and 



his uncle's niece 



49 



Mrs. M. Pray tell me, what you can do down here in 
this neck of woods ? 

Dick. Madam, all indications point this way, and al- 
low me to assure you that your husband will very shortly 
be brought to light, and then — and then 

Mrs. M. And then, what ? 

Dick. Why then, everything is very simple; we will 
start proceedings to get possession of the bonds. 

Mrs. M. You sound more assuring than the other 
young man. 

Dick. Ah, you have been talking with Francis. 

Mrs. M. I've been trying to, but for the life of me, I 
can't make any sense out of his actions. First he makes 
believe he knows me, and then he acts just like a 

{Enter Frank r.) 

Dick. Here he is now. 

Mrs. M. {aside). My, but he certainly changed his 
disguise quick enough. {Aloud.) Well, young man, 
have you gathered your senses yet? 

Frank. Why, this — this is Mrs. Mullen. Uncle said 
the cook was here 

Dick. Of course, this is 



Mrs. M. Don't bother him; he'll get his bearings soon 
and come to his senses. 

Frank. Ah, I had quite forgotten that you lived here 
at the Junction, Mrs. Mullen. Now that I recall it, Dick 
mentioned it to me once. But what are you doing here — 
has anything happened? 

Mrs. M. I suppose you have a disguise for every one 
of your many moods, but for the life of me I can't see 
the need of changing from one to the other jest to talk 
to me; wuzn't the other one you had on a few minutes 
ago all right, or ? 

Frank. The other one ? 

Dick. Mrs. Mullen, pardon my interruption, but he 
has been working quite hard on this case of late and the 
loss of sleep has tired his mind, but he will arise to the 
occasion as soon as he has had a much needed rest. 

Frank. Yes, that's it. That is just what we came 



50 his uncle's niece 

here for, to rest my distracted nerves, and to sort of — 
sort of 

Dick. Bring things together. 

Frank. Exactly ; to bring things together. 

Mrs. M. I hope all these things get together soon; 
but tell me, pray, why you could not talk to me in your 
other disguise 

Frank (aside). She gets crazier every minute. 
(Aloud.) You must be mistaken as this is the only suit 
I brought with me. 

Mrs. M. Mistaken! Mistaken! (Uncle enters un- 
observed from house.) I should say not; you were here 
and I was talking to you a few minutes ago, and you had 
on that same rig that makes you look like a hungry old 
man without any brains. 

Frank. Old man? 

Dick. By Jove, I am beginning to see daylight. The 
old geyser she refers to 

(Silas enters l. c. and stands back of hedge.) 

Uncle (coming briskly off of porch). You Mormon! 

Get out of here before I — I — I G-r-r-r ! I'll make 

you see daylight if ever I get my hands on you. You 
— you bigamist. Well, why don't you go? 

Dick. I'm waiting for you to show me that daylight. 

Uncle. So ! So ! Silas, show your authority as 
constable of this town and put this heathen where he will 
see a little daylight coming between iron bars. 

Silas (approaching Dick). Mister, you're under ar- 
rest; not that I'm over-anxious ter do this, but the law 
must be obeyed and I am sworn ter do my duty. 

Mrs. M. (to Uncle). Sir! How dare you have him 
arrested; he's the best friend I have. 

Uncle. Best friend! You may think so, but if you 
knew all about his other wives you'd haul in your horns. 

Frank. Uncle! Please do not have him put in jail. 

Uncle. Silence ! This is once that I am going to be 
obeyed. Lady, that man has three wives to my knowl- 
edge, and is blessed with a very disagreeable temper. 



his uncle's niece 51 

Constable, you hold him on those charges and I'll appear 
against him and see that he gets his just deserts. 

Silas. Don't worry, I'll take good care of him. He's 
the first criminal I've had a chance ter grab since I've 
been constable here. Come on! March! 

[Exit Dick in custody of Silas l. 

Mrs. M. I'm glad I am finding out a few of these 
queers and fakers. {Looking at Frank.) Now, young 
man, what have you to say for yourself? 

Frank. There is a mistake, I'm sure 

Uncle. Young man? Did I hear you call my niece 
a young man ? 

Mrs. M. Why, to be sure; he claims to be the one 
and only celebrated de 

Frank {screams). Oh! There's a mouse! 

{Jumps on bench r., and gathers his skirts up.) 

Mrs. M. Where, where? 
Frank. There ! 
Mrs. M. Oh! 

{Jumps up beside Frank. Business of terror.) 

Uncle {grabbing broom). Where is he? I don't see 
him. 

Frank. Over there. {Points across stage. Uncle 
looks for mouse. Frank, aside to Mrs. Mullen.) 
Listen, he thinks I'm his niece. Don't tell him the dif- 
ference. Help me out, and Til explain later. There's 
no mouse. 

Uncle. I guess he's gone, more frightened than you 
are. 

(Mrs. Mullen and Frank getting down.) 

Frank. I'm glad he has gone. 

Mrs. M. Now, my fine young lady, what is the idea 
of sending for me? 

FRTNK.} Wh ^' WeWantaC00k - 

Mrs. M. So Silas said. 
Uncle. We're starving. 



52 his uncle's niece 

Frank. Right this way, Mrs. Mullen. 

Uncle. Yes, start right in, I'm famished. You 
needn't worry about your wages; I'll pay whatever you 
ask, as long as it is reasonable. 

Mrs. M. Well, if you're starving I'm not one to stand 
still and see you die. [Exit r., with Frank. 

Uncle. A queer article, but if she can cook I'm sat- 
isfied. Philander should be back; it's- getting late. I'll 
go look for him. [Exit l. 

(Enter Frank r.) 

Frank. There, I had to promise to explain the whole 
business to her, and ask her to have faith in Dick. Poor 
Dick! I wonder how he will like prison life? I must 
do something to get him out of that place. 

(Enter Dora and Alice, bareheaded at r. c, very 
cautiously. ) 

Dora (up stage, back of hedge). Frank, are you 
alone ? 

Frank (starting). Hello, girls! Yes, I'm very much 
alone. (Girls come down stage.) That is, Uncle has 
disappeared somewhere and I'm willing to take a chance 
this once. 

Alice: But if he should come ; I should say you had 
enough to trouble you, by what Dora tells me. 

Frank. Oh ! We can make up some plausible ex- 
cuse ; that is a mere trifle to what is bothering me now. 

Dora. More trouble ? I thought you had plenty with- 
out adding any more. 

Alice. She has been all worked up about it; now I 
tell her that it is nothing but a lark and everything will 
come out all right. 

Frank. It may be a lark, but Dick's a jail-bird. 

Dora ' \ What do you mean ? 

Frank. Uncle has had him arrested for bigamy. 

Alice. Oh ! Dick, arrested for bigamy ! This is too 
much. ^ Frank, you are to blame for this and you must 
have him released at once. 

Dora. Be calm, my dear, it is only a lark, you know. 



HIS tWCLE*S NIECE " 53 

Frank. Yes, it is up to us to get him out somehow, 
either by hook or crook; until after this Uncle business 
is over. 

Alice. Until your Uncle business is over! I like 
that. Frank, you must get him out now. 

Dora. I should think that a smart young lawyer would 
be able to win his own case. 

Frank. You are both right. As soon as this mar- 
riage business is over, Dick can then explain, but in the 
meantime we must do something to get him out. 

Do" C A E 'S Buthow? 

Frank. I know of no way, unless one of you girls 
would hunt up the constable and send him here. 

Alice. But where will one find this constable? 

Frank. Just go down to the village and inquire for 
Silas Sickelmoore. 

Alice. All right, I'm willing. I can do that much, 
which is more than standing here doing nothing, like some 
people I know. [Exit Alice l. 

Frank. Here's hoping that she finds him, but blamed 
if I know what I'll say to him. 

Dora. Frank, why do you keep up this deception, 
why not tell Uncle all and face the music? 

Frank {leading her to seat l.). I'll tell you why, 
Dora. In the first place, we can find use for that million 
very e'asily, if I ever get it. 

Dora. But this scheme of Dick's will never work. 
There is nothing solid about it. 

Frank. I fear you are right, but why worry; you 
know I haven't seen you for some time and let us not 
think of such problems. {Puts arm about her.) 

{Enter Uncle l.) 

Uncle. Frances, I say, Frances. 

Frank {jumping up). Here, quick! Put these on. 

{Hands her apron and cap, which she dons.) 

Uncle. Frances! I wonder where — ah, here you 
are. I was just Hello ! Who is this ? 



54 HIS UNCLE*S NIECE 

Frank. This, Uncle, is the new maid I've just en- 
gaged to help Mrs. Mullen. 

Uncle. New maid, eh! They seem to come in 
bunches. So you are to help the cook? 

Dora. Yes — yes, sir. 

Uncle. Well, there is nothing you can do out here. 

Frank. You see, she hasn't been engaged very long 
and was just getting acquainted. 

Uncle. So ! Well, come right along with me, young 
lady, and I will make you acquainted. 

(Uncle exits r., followed by Dora, who shakes her 
fist at Frank.) 

Frank. It's no use, I get deeper and deeper into this 
thing at every turn, and nothing seems to pan out right 
at all. If something doesn't turn up soon I'm doomed. 
The wedding is to take place very shortly and 

(Enter Mrs. Mullen at r.) 

Mrs. M. Ah, here you are. I wuz wondering if I 
would find you. Now tell me what you are going to do 
about my case. 

Frank. I think Mr. Tate would be the proper man 
for you to see. 

Mrs. M. But how on earth be I going to talk to him, 
when he's behind the bars ? 

Frank. You are right, but I have sent for the con- 
stable and if it will work, perhaps I can buy him off 
until after this evening, and then Mr. Tate will be able 
to explain everything. 

Mrs. M. You'll never be able to buy Silas. But if 
I knew everything you have told wuz true, about this 
'ere wedding business and the million dollars, I could get 
Silas to let him out for a while, but it would mean — well, 
as I'm a woman of few words, it would mean that I 
would be obliged to give Silas the idea that I wuz — 
wuz 

Frank. Was what? 

Mrs. M. Was encouraging attention from him. And 
that is one thing I would not do, especially with one hus- 



HIS uncle's niece 



55 



band prob'ly now living. But then I suppose Silas would 
wait until I got a divorce. But I am not the kind that 
would lead a man like Silas on. No, as I said: I'm a 
woman of few words and I won't do it. I never ought 
to of told you. No, never ! [Exits quickly r. 

^ Frank. So that is how the wind blows, eh? Well, if 

Silas would only (Looking off l.) Here he comes 

now ; perhaps I can work this scheme. 

(Enter Silas l.) 

Silas. Howdy, Miss; a young lady said as how ye 
would like ter see me. 

Frank. It is not exactly that, but there is a young 
lady here that I'm sure would like to see you very much. 

Silas. You mean — you don't mean Sarah Ann ? 

Frank. I mean Mrs. Mullen, if that is Sarah Ann? 

Silas. The same ! The same ! 

Frank. Now that you mention it, she said that when 
you called I was to notify her. Now, she has had an 
offer of marriage from a man who has just arrived, sup- 
pose we say, my Uncle. 

Silas. What, that old skeezics? 

Frank. Hold on ! Now suppose we say that this 
man knows that her husband is dead and proposes to 
her, well, she seems undecided what to do until she has 
had a chance to talk with you. Undoubtedly you have 
always advised her, being a man of the law. 

Silas. Yep, that's it, I guess. 

Frank. She would like to see you, but you must not 
mention how you learned that her husband was dead. 
You might let it drop that you're acquainted with the 
fact, if you think best. I'll send her right out. 

[Exit Frank r. 

Silas (nervously walking back and forth). So that 
is what that foxy old gink with the spinach wanted her 
to cook fur, is it? Wants ter marry her, does he? By 
gum! He won't! Thought he would try her cooking 
fust, I suppose. We'll see about this. Thinks every- 
body is going ter do jest as he wants 'em ter. Yes, had 
me arrest that air bag o' mint feller without any warrint, 



56 his uncle's niece 

and lay myself liable. I'll let him out of jail if she mar- 
ries that old fossil, by gum I 

{Enter Mrs. Mullen r.) 

Mrs. M. Hello, Silas, I heard that you would like to 
speak to me. 

Silas. I heard the same ; but the main thing is, have 
yer time fur a little talk? 

Mrs. M. I have a few minutes to spare, but not long, 
as my time is not my own, now. {Sitting on seat r.) 

Silas {aside). Time not her own! I suppose he's 
got her. {Aloud.) I heard some news ter-day. 

{Coming down near Mrs. Mullen.) 

Mrs. M. News! What kind, good or bad? 

Silas. Well, some might call it bad news and some 
might call it good news. All depends on the person. 

Mrs. M. I can't say that I'm over-anxious to hear 
it, but I suppose I must humor you and let you get it off 
your mind. What wuz it? 

(Mrs. Mullen moves over on seat.) 

Silas {sitting beside her). I heard as how your hus- 
band had committed suicide. 

Mrs. M. What! Oh, no! No! 

Silas {aside). By gum! I didn't think she would 
take it like that. 

Mrs. M. Silas, are you sure? 

Silas. No, I can't say I'm sure but I heard he wuz- 
dead and heard it on good authority but wuz told: not- ter 
tell, so ye will have to wait until you are notified before: 
ye can put on mourning. 

Mrs. M. Mourning ! Silas, do you think I would put!; 
mourning on fur him, or in £act fur any man ? 

Silas. Wouldn't ye — wouldn't ye put it on fer me?- 

Mrs. M. Fur you, Silas ! Land sakes ! Are you that 
fur gone? 

Silas {aside). I guess I'm gone all right. {Aloud.) 
I mean, if you; would — that is I mean if — if I wuz yer u 
second husband and. should, commit,——--. 



HIS uncle's NIECE 57 

Mrs. M. Oh, Silas, don't say that horrid word 

Silas. Well — would ye put it on f er me ? 

Mrs. M. Silas, do you mean this fur a proposal? 
Because if you do, it is certainly a queer way to pop the 
question, but as I am a woman of few words, I'll say this 
much : if you will go and let that man out of jail that you 
arrested here this afternoon, I'll — I'll 

Silas. You'll what? 

Mrs. M. I'll give you my answer. 

Silas. 'Twun't do. 

Mrs. M. It will have to. 

Silas. Suppose, suppose someone else would ask ye 
in the meantime. 

Mrs. M. Someone else? Don't worry, Silas, I'll be 
right here when you come back. Hurry up and let that 
critter out. 

Silas. Sarah Ann, I could hug ye. 

{Enter Uncle from r.) 

Uncle {coming down). Ah, constable, put a strong 
guard on that prisoner and I'll see that you are well 
paid. 

Silas {getting up). You mind your own business, old 
sourkrout. [Exit Silas c. 

Uncle. Mind my own business, eh? You con- 
founded old he turnip, you — you Oh, why don't 

that minister hurry up, and where can Philander be, and 
where is Frances? (Seeing Mrs. Mullen.) Well, 
where is she? 

Mrs. M. {getting up). I'm sure I don't know, but I 
think she is in the house. [Exit R. 

Uncle. No such thing, she is out here. [Exit l. 

(Frank and Dora enter R. c. and stand back of hedge.) 

Frank. The coast seems to be clear; perhaps you had 
better run. 

Dora. Here, take these. 

{Hands him apron and cap.) 

Frank. Quick ! Some one is coming. Run ! 
Dora. Don't worry, I'm going. [Runs off l. c. 



58 his uncle's niece 

Frank {coming down). I was beginning to fear that 
she would never get away. Uncle was right on his guard. 
Now that the coast is clear I think I'll have a little smoke. 
(Produces pipe from bosom of dress, and starts to 
scratch match on thigh. Stops, considers dress and 
lights it on bench.. Sitting on bench smoking.) This is 
something like comfort ; now if 

(Enter Alice l.) 

Alice. Ah, here you are. 

Frank (jumping up). Alice, you took ten years right 
out of my life then. I thought it was Uncle. 

Alice. Now I like that. Do I resemble Uncle ? Oh, 
I see, the pipe ! Tell me, Frank, has that constable been 
here? 

Frank. Yes, he was here recently, and I had quite 
a talk with him. 

Alice. Is he going to release Dick? 

Frank. I'm not sure about that, as I left that part 
of -the affair to Mrs. Mullen. 

Alice. Did this Mrs. Mullen succeed? 

Frank. I'm not sure what the outcome was as 

(Enter Uncle l.) 

Alice. Here comes your uncle. 
Frank. Here! Quick! Put these on. 

(Hands her apron and cap, which she puts on.) 

Uncle. Frances, I have been looking everywhere for 
Philander and can't (Uncle sniffs.) 

Frank (to Alice). Take this. (Hands pipe.) 

Uncle (sniffing). I smell smoke, tobacco smoke; who 
has been smoking here? (Uncle, coming down, sees 

Alice.) Hello! You out here again (Alice turns 

toward Uncle, pipe in hand.) Godfrey Dominoes! 
She's smoking a pipe ! Young lady, are you in the habit 
of parading around out of doors filling the air with this 
vile tobacco smoke? Where is your mother? You 
should be ashamed to 

Alice, Sir ! Do you — — ? 



59 

Uncle. _ Silence ! Don't you dare interrupt me. Oh, 
what is this world coming to ? Smoking tobacco ! 

Frank. But it isn't tobacco, Uncle. 

Alice. Oh, no ! 

Uncle. Isn't tobacco ! What is it, then — an old rub- 
ber boot ? 

Frank. This is — this is mullen. 

Alice. Yes, Mrs. Mullen! 

Uncle. Mullen ? It smells like hemp. 

Frank. You see, the doctor ordered her to smoke 
mullen for her health, as she is troubled with — with 
asthma. 

Alice. Yes, asthma. 

Uncle. Um! Well, hereafter, young lady, confine 
your smoking to your own quarters, and by the way, I 
would like a little something to eat. [Uncle exits R. 

Alice (stamping) . Frank, this is the last straw. I'm 
through helping you out with all your lies. 

Frank. Forgive me, Alice, but it was the only way 
out. Dora was obliged to serve her time as the maid 
until she made her escape, and now it's up to you — so 
please play up to it and go get Uncle something to eat. 

Alice. Well, if I must I will. But don't blame me if 
I poison him. (Frank escorts Alice off r.) 

(Enter Dick and Silas l.) 

Dick. I say, constable, I'll not forget this. You're a 
brick. 

Silas. It's all right ; I didn't have any real charge ter 
keep ye on. If old wish bones wants ye arrested he'll 
have ter get a warrant. 

Dick. I'll not forget it, anyway. 

Silas. I think I'll go out ter the kitchen and see if 
Sarah Ann is working too hard. [Exit r. c. 

Dick. It's good to be on the job again; I wonder 
what has transpired since I left; well, I haven't much 
time now. I must get this note to Philander, somehow. 
It's lucky I thought of writing it while penned up in that 
chicken-coop of a jail — I wonder if it sounds all right. 
(Reads note.) " My dearest Philander — I have a secret 



6o 

I would like to impart to you before we are married; 
something very important by which we may both be- 
come very prosperous and happy. If you love me meet 
me near the willow-tree by the river at once. Your own 

Frances — with love " There, that ought to bring 

him. 

(Enter Timothy c.) 

Tim. Say, are you still hanging around here ? 

Dick. It's all wrong, Timothy. I'll never hang, and 
what is more, I'll be around here when the rest of these 
jail-birds are serving time. 

Tim. What do ye mean, jail-birds? 

Dick. Listen! This crowd is the biggest gang of 
crooks you ever laid eyes on; they have hired this place 
to make counterfeit money in, and they will soon be run 
to earth. The whole bunch 

Tim. I guess you're trying to string me, but it don't 

Dick. Ah, far from it, my friend. Have you not 
noticed that they spend money like water ? It's all bogus 
money, every bit of it. Now I expect you to keep mum 
about this, but if you'll help me and do as I say, you will 
never regret it. I want you to help Silas, the constable 
here, in a little matter I have on hand. 

Tim. Is Silas with ye? 

Dick. Surely! We officers of the law always work 
together. 

Tim. I'm with ye then; whatever Silas does is all 
right. What do ye want me ter do? 

Dick. Listen! (Goes to all the exits and peers off, 
followed by Timothy, who does likewise. Coming down 
c, followed by Timothy.) I have here a writ from the 
Supreme Judicial Department of Prevaricators. 

Tim. So? 

Dick. Now I must have a trusty messenger to take 
this to the party addressed. 

Tim. That's me! Where do I take it? 

Dick. You are to deliver it to the one and only 
Philander Filmore. Then you are to guide him to the 



his uncle's niece 6 1 

willow-tree near the river, and remember that Miss 
Frances gave you the note, if he should ask. 

Tim. And what then? 

Dick. Silas will be at the river and will take charge 
of him then, but if he needs any help, just duff in. 

Tim. I'm to help Silas, eh? Punch him! Whack 
him ! And everything ! 

Dick. Not Silas. 

Tim. No, I mean Philander, the counterfeiter. 

Dick. That's it ; now hurry and find him. 

Tim. I'll find him as sure as my name is Timothy 
Haye. [Exit Timothy l. c. 

Dick. Now to find Silas and get him excited. 

[Exit Dick r. c. 

(Dora enters l., very cautiously.) 

Dora (approaching pergola l.). I wonder where they 
all are? Dick said that I must surely be near here this 
evening in time for the wedding. I haven't the slightest 
idea what he intends to do; in fact, I don't believe Dick 
will be here unless he breaks jail. 

(Enter Philander, minus his hat, at c Dora 
crouches behind table in pergola.) 

Phil, (looking about). Ah, the time draws near. 
Many years have I waited for this event. I suppose the 
poor fool thinks I'm in love with her; I'll show her 
where my love lies, and show her dear Uncle, too, as soon 
as we're married and I can lay my hands on the rest 
of that money. Of course I would not harm them but 
for my comfort it would be well that they both disap- 
peared. (Looking off l. ) Hello, here comes that hay- 
seed of a Timothy ; I thought at first it was the minister. 
I'm glad this is going to be a quiet affair; I was afraid 
at one time that the old fellow would insist on a bang-up 
wedding. 

(Timothy enters l.) 

Tim. I've bin looking all over the place fur you. 
Phil. Now you have found me, what do you want? 



62 His uncle's NIECE 

Tim. I don't know as I want anything, and then 

ag'in perhaps I might want something, but 

Phil. But what? 

Tim. I've got a note here for yer. 

Phil. A note for me ? Let me have it. 

(Timothy hands him note which Philander reads.) 

Tim. I wuz told to wait here and take ye back to the 
place 

Phil, {suspiciously). What place? 

Tim. Why, the place where Miss Frances wuz when 
she give me that air note. 

Phil. Oh, yes, to be sure. Here, take this. 

{Hands him money.) 
Tim. {hands back of him). No, I wouldn't touch it, 

that is, I don't dare 

Phil. Don't dare! 

Tim. That is, I'm not allowed to receive tips. Thank 
you just the same. {Aside.) Gosh, I s'pose that was 
counterfeit. 

Phil. Just as you say ; now I'm ready to follow you, 
but just a minute, I must get my hat. 

[Exit Philander r. 
Tim. Gosh, that wuz a narrow escape; he came near 
working some of that bogus money off on me, but I was 
too smart fer him. 

{Enter Silas and Dick r. c.) 

Dick. Here he is now! Have you delivered that 
note yet? 

Tim. /Yep, she's all delivered and he's in the house 
after his hat. 

Silas. You don't say. 

Dick. Quick, to the river, Silas, and remember my 
instructions. [Exit Silas l. 

(Dick hides back of hedge.) 

Tim. Sh, here he comes. 

{Enter Philander, wearing large straw hat.) 

Phil. Now I'm ready ; lead the way, my man. 



his uncle's niece 63 

Tim. Right this way. 

[Timothy and Philander exeunt l. 

Dick (coming down stage). Ha! Ha! Waiting at 
the church. Now for a 

Dora (approaching Dick). Dick, what is the mean- 
ing of all this? First I hear that horrid old Philander 
telling what he will do to Frank and his uncle and then 
off he goes to meet Frank at the river and 

Dick. Slow, slow, take your foot off the gas. If 
you care to know the details come with me as I have 
enough to keep me occupied for the next few minutes 
and will explain while at work, and if you are game you 
can be the cause of making or breaking the whole affair. 

Dora. I can, how? 

Dick. Come, I'll show you. [Dick and Dora exit l. 

(Enter Mrs. Mullen r.) 

Mrs. M. I wonder if Silas let that lawyer of mine 
out of jail. I don't believe he did because if he had, he 
would of bin right back for his answer. I wonder where 
Silas got his news about — well — there, what a fool I am, 
a woman of my age, and here I am 

Uncle (head out of door r.). Has he arrived yet? 

Mrs. M. No, but he ought to be here; it's time for 
him. 

Uncle (coming down stage). Time for him, I should 
say so. 

Mrs. M. It certainly takes him a long while ter walk 
from the jail 

Uncle. Jail ! Jail ! Is the minister of this village an 
inmate of the jail 

Mrs. M. Good land! What am I saying? 

[Exit Mrs. Mullen, hurriedly, r. 

Uncle. By George, she gets crazier and crazier every 
minute. Although I'm beginning to believe that she is 
not the only loony one. That new maid is a funny one ; 
first time I met her here she was an altogether different 
looking girl than she is now. She seems taller, looks 
different, talks different, she is different. Once I thought 
she looked like that Dick Tate's wife and now, she begins 



64 his uncle's niece 

to look like that affinity of his ; by Jove, she acts like her, 
too. It can't be — way out here. That reminds me, I 
must not forget to appear against that bigamist and see 
that he gets all that is coming to him. He'll learn that 
I'm a man of my word. I guess he won't care to face 
me again very soon. 

(Enter Dick c, disguised as parson, wearing gray wig 
and side whiskers, also black soft hat and frock 
coat, and carrying Bible. ) 

Dick. Good evening, brother; is this Mr. Felton? 

Uncle. Ah, the parson, I presume. I was beginning 
to think you would not be here at the appointed time. 
I was rather worried that you might not have received 
word. 

Dick. Oh, yes ! I received the note, and would have 
been here much sooner but was detained by — by one of 
my congregation who needed advice 

Uncle. Surely, but everything is all right, now that 
you are here. If you will excuse me I'll call the rest of 
my household. You see I am rather anxious that this 
event be carried out promptly. 

Dick. Naturally, naturally, nothing like putting 
things over in quick time, that is with more or less pep 
to 'em, you know— -that is — I mean we must not lose 
faith in our religion. 

Uncle. True words, Parson — I beg your pardon but 
your name 

Dick. The Rev. Willie Splicum. 

Uncle. As I was saying, if you will take a seat here 
and rest after your trip, I'll endeavor to raise the rest of 
my family. [Uncle exits r. 

Dick (sitting r.). By Jove! But I was scared; 
thought he was going to recognize me as his escaped 
bigamist, but he was certainly fooled. Now if I can fool 
the rest of 'em as easy, I'll be 

(Enter Alice r. c.) 

Alice. Oh, I beg your pardon, I didn't realize that 
anyone was 



His uncle's niece 65 

Dick (getting up). Alice! 

Alice. I'm sure you — it's not. Is it you, Dick? 

Dick. Sh! Don't tell the whole crowd. Just keep 
this under your hat, and help me out. 

Alice. But why this masquerade? You look like a 
minister. 

Dick. Thanks, I feel like an undertaker. But to 
come to the point, I'm going to marry Frank. 

Alice. You are going to marry Frank! How many 
more of you men are going to try and marry Frank? 

Dick. I mean I am going to perform the ceremony 
and marry him. 

Alice. To Philander? 

Dick. No, to Dora. You see my power of a notary 
gives me that right and I have the license here all made 
out. Frank gave it to me this afternoon. 

Alice. But I don't understand. 

Dick. I haven't time to explain at present, but if I 
succeed in this Frank owes me one hundred a week for- 
ever-after. Now I want you to help. 

Alice. How? 

Dick. When I arrive at that part of the ceremony 
where I call the names of bride and groom, you must 
scream, and cry on Uncle's shoulder so that he will not 
be able to understand what I say. 

Alice. But I can't. 

Dick. Very well, then I can't make a million for 
Frank or 

Alice. But I'll try. 

Dick. That's the stuff; Alice, you're a brick. Not a 
word, someone is coming. 

(Enter Frank r.) 

Frank. Ah ! 

Dick. Frank, come here, quick. 

Frank. It's you, Dick? 

Alice. Of course it is. 

Dick. Don't waste time. Listen to me, Frank. I'm 
going to marry you to Philander Filmore, as I said, and 
I am also going to make you the life partner of Dora. 



66 his uncle's niece 

You will come into the million, and perhaps more, ancl 
also have Dora. 

Frank (sarcastically). Fine. 

Dick. But listen, you must put all faith in me and 
not be surprised at what happens, do not interrupt any 
part of the ceremony and — sh! They are coming. Re- 
member, trust in me. 

Frank. But, I say — I 

(Enter Uncle and Mrs. Mullen r.) 

Uncle. I can't find Philander anywhere. I've looked 
all over. 

Frank. Where can he be? 

Dick. If you are referring to the gentleman who is 
to be the groom here this evening 

Uncle. Yes, yes, the groom! 

Dick. Ah, your fears are groundless, as I was talk- 
ing to him on my way here and he mentioned that he 
would join us directly. A-hem! 

Uncle. You have met him then, and I should judge 
you have also made yourself acquainted with my charm- 
ing niece here. And this is her maid, and this is Mrs. 
Mullen, of our culinary department, with whom no doubt 
you are well acquainted. 

Mrs. M. I can't say as I have ever had the pleasure 
of meeting this gentleman before. 

Uncle. What! I guess you're not a very strong 
church goer, Mrs. Mullen, not to recognize your own 
pastor. 

Mrs. M. My own pastor! What, that? 

Dick. Oh ! A slight mistake ; allow me to straighten 
this matter out. Mrs. Mullen is right, I'm not the min- 
ister of her church. 

Uncle. Not the parson we sent for! 

Dick. It is like this: the minister of this parish was 
suddenly called away this morning and I was sent to 
fill his place until his return; so you see, that explains 
why this dear lady has never met me before. 

Uncle. Of course, very easy for some people to be 
mistaken. Now I am never fooled. (Looking l.) 



his uncle's niece 67 

Hello ! There is Philander now, and that constable fel- 
low is coming right along behind him. Well, let 'em 
come, the more the merrier. I am beginning to feel 
young again. 

{Enter Dora l., dressed in Philander's long linen 
duster, straw hat, trousers, collar and necktie show- 
ing. Also wearing mustache like Philander.) 

Dick. Ah, my friend, I see you were not long in fol- 
lowing me. 

Uncle. Philander, I was a bit worried for fear you 
would keep us waiting, but I see my fears were without 
reason, and as you are here let us carry out our nuptial 
programme. 

{Enter Silas and Timothy, and stand back of hedge. 
Mrs. Mullen on steps of house. Alice on porch, 
Uncle down R., Dick c, Frank l., Dora l. c.) 

Dick. Very well ; if the young couple will stand here 
facing me. There, so. 

Mrs. M. Excuse me for interrupting, but the man 
ought ter be on the other side 

Dick. Thank you, madam. 

(Frank and Dora exchange places.) 

Mrs. M. I wouldn't have him marry me. Wonder 
who's going to stand up with 'em. 

Uncle {turning on Mrs. Mullen). Be still! Don't 
you suppose the parson knows his business? 

Dick {takes book in hand, reading). "Dearly be- 
loved, we are gathered here in the face of this company, 
to join together this man and this " 

(Philander dashes on at L., in a barrel, minus his 
hat, and outer garments. Hose and garters show- 
ing below barrel.) 

Phil, {down a). Stop! Stop this marriage, before 
it is too late. (Silas and Timothy crouch behind 



68 his uncle's niece 

hedge. Pointing at Dora.) That man is an imposter. 

They stole my clothes. I am 

Uncle. Philander ! 

{During the following speech Silas comes down stage.) 

Mrs. M. {coming a). Philander, nothing! This is 
Henry Thaddeus Mullen, my husband, who deserted me 
over twenty years ago, and stole everything I had. You ! 
You! 

Phil. You have made 

(Silas hits at Philander, who ducks, and blozv falls 
on barrel.) 

Silas. Shut up! You're under arrest. I guess it 
won't take the judge long to make you a single man and 
me a — a 

Mrs. M. Say it, Silas, it's your last chance. 

Uncle. Madam, are you sure this man is your hus- 
band ? 

Mrs. M. Tell him the truth. 

Phil, {out of sight in barrel). Yes, she is right. 

Dick. Mrs. Mullen, as we have located your husband 
for you 

Mrs. M. You located him? 

Dick. Yes, you see this was — well — this was a care- 
fully planned trap for him. 

Uncle. And who are you? (Dick takes off wig and 
whiskers.) Ye Gods! The bigamist! When did you 
get out? 

Dick. No, I am far from a bigamist. I am Richard 
Tate, Esquire, a close friend of Francis, and also Mrs. 
Mullen's lawyer. 

Uncle. And if this article here in this barrel is the 
real bigamist and had the nerve to think he could marry 
my niece, who is this gentleman ? {Pointing to Dora. 
Dora takes off hat and mustache. ) Great scott ! Tate's 
wife ! 

Frank. No, Uncle, he hasn't any wife; that was an- 
other mistake. 



his uncle's niece 69 



Uncle. Then who 



Dick. This young lady is Miss Dora Hale, the choice 
of your nephew's heart. 

Uncle. My nephew ? Never had a nephew. 

Frank {taking off wig). But you have now. 

Dick {aside). Good-bye million! 

Uncle. So; I'm beginning to understand a few of 
your capers. Well, I still hold to my bargain. I have 
always wished for a nephew, and now I not only have a 
nephew, but I am also going to have a most delightful 
niece, I'm sure. 

(Philander looks up out of barrel. Silas hits at him; 
he ducks back in barrel as curtain falls.) 



CURTAIN 



jHf ■MtjJkjifcj 



Plays for Junior 



Salty Loan 

Mr. Bob 

The Man from Branta 

A Box of Monkeys 

A Rice Pudding 

Class Day 

Chums 

An Easy Mark 

Pa's New Housekeeper 

Not On the Program 

The Cool Collegians 

The Elopement of Ellen 

Tommy's Wife 

Johnny's New Suit 

Thirty Minutes for Refreghnaesfc 

West of Omaha 

The Flying Wedge 

My Brother's Keeper 

The Private Tutor 

Me an' Otis 

Up to Freddie 

My Cousin Tim my 

Aunt Abigail and the Boys 

Caught Out 

Constantlne Pueblo Jofles 

The Cricket On the Hearth 

The Deacon's Second Wife 

Five Fe^t of Love 

The Hurdy Gurdy Girl 

Camp Fidelity Girls 

Carroty Nell 

A Case for Sherlock Holmes 

The Clancey Kids 

The Happy Day 

I Grant You Three Wishes 

Just a Little Mistake 

The Land of Night 

Local and Long Distance 

The Original Two Bits 

An Outsider 

Oysters 

A Pan of Fudge 

A Peck of Trouble 

A Precious Pickle 

The First National Boot 

His Father's Son 

The Turn In the Road 

A Half Back's Interference 

The Revolving Wedge 

Mose 



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25c 

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2'C 



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# 


J Recent Piays That H 


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"Gone Over the Top" 




i 


Walts 


Females Tim' Price 


Royalty 


The Adventures of Grandpa 


4 


5 


2 hrs. 35c 


Free 


i Turning the Trick 


6 


5 


2 h " 35 c 


« 


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j The American Flag 


6 


3 


2 " 35c 


« 


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Jj Captain Cranberry 


8 


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i Mr. Kelley from Kalamazoo 


S 


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J If 1 Only Had a Million 


7 


6 


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6 


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6 


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J A Couple of Million 


6 


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j Cranberry Corners 


6 


6 


2 « 35c 


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4 Five Feet of Love 


5 


6 


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« 


J Alias Brown 




5 


2 " 35 c 


" 


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► 


Expense No Object 


10 


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i The Heiress Hunters 


7 


7 


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J Picking a Winner 


9 


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j Elizabeth's Young Mao 


1 


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i Freddy Goes to College 


4 


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J A Full House 


3 


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The Girl From Upper Seven 


10 


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i Grandma Gibbs of the Red Cross 


8 


9 


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J Honeymoon Flats 


6 


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j Plain People 


5 


5 


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% Red Acre Farm 


7 


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J Johnny's New Suit 


2 


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Local and Long Distance 


1 


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% The Sisterhood of Bridget 


7 


6 


2 " 35 c 


« 


i The Loving Cup 


4 


9 


# " 35 c 


£5.00 




2 The Guest Retainer 


5 


3 


2 " 35 c 


Free 


4 Old Days in Dixie 


5 


8 


2# " 35C 


$10.00 


i Mrs. Briggs of the Poultry Yard 


4 


7 


2 " 35 c 


Free 




Much Ado About Betty 


10 


12 


2 *< 35c 


« 


1 No Trespassing 


6 


5 


2 " 35c 


11 


J Our Wives 


7 


4 


2 « 35c 


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Pa's New Housekeeper 


3 


2 


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1 And Billy Disappeared 


5 


6 


2% « 60c 


$ 1 0.00 


i The Rebellion of Mrs. Barclay 


3 


6 


*¥ " 35 c 


Free 


t 


When a Feller Needs a Friend 


5 


5 


2 X " 35 c 


$10.00 


* 


1 Allison Makes Hay 


7 


7 


2 « 60c 


$15.00 


i The Slacker 


2 


7 


34 » 25c 


Free 


> 


The Arrival of Kitty 


5 


4 


2 " 60c 


#10.00 


I Six Miles From a Lemon 


6 


4 


2 " 60c 


#10.00 


i Teddy, or The Runaways 


4 


4 


2^ " 35C 


Free 




The Man Who Went 


7 


3 


2 « 35C 


#10.00 L 


1 The Troubling of Bethesda Pool 


2 


12 


x/ « 25c 


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i Valley Farm 


6 


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3 The Village School Ma'am 


6 


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8 


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BAKER, Hamilton Place, 


2 * 


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